Pretty Truthz Podcast was created with the intention to share real life experiences that will encourage our audience to live their truthz. Both host were teenage parents, who still completed their education, and accomplished every goal we set to achieve. We believe if you stay true to yourself, and use every loss as a lesson, your future will always be pretty. Thus we created the motto: The future is always PRETTY when you walk in your TRUTHZ!! Please, Tune in EVERY SUNDAY to hear Pretty B and Precious Truthz bring sass, charisma, comedy, and love to every episode! The episodes will also be aired on Apple Podcast, Google Podcast, Spotify, and iHeart Radio.
Saturday, February 22, 2020
Saturday, November 10, 2018
I would never talk bad to my son about his absent Father.
Recently, I watched a video that made me very uncomfortable. The video consist of a mother explaining, to what appears to be a 3-year old child, that her father doesn't want her. I couldn't believe it. She posted the video, because apparently she believed that it was the right thing to do. I know that every parent raises their children differently, and for the most part, we raise them with the best intentions. However, I can't imagine what intentions this mother had explaining to a 3 year old, who can't really digest the feelings of abandonment. The younger part of our lives are when we began to develop self-esteem, self- confidence, and most importantly self-love. Explaining to a 3 year old that her father doesn't want her can be diminishing to a child's self-worth. In the video, the small girl began to cry. At this point, I turned the video off. Usually, I would attach the video that I am critiquing, but I really don't want the video to receive anymore attention.
I know being a single parent can be hard, and can cause a person to feel frustration or resentment towards the child's absent parent. However, I don't think this should encourage people to degrade the absent parent to the child. Children are more intuitive to what's going on then we believe, and eventually the child will understand on their own that their mother/father was an absentee parent. I believe in some cases that the custodial parent seeks to taint the image of the absent parent to the child. They want to encourage the child to despise the absent parent as much as they do. However, they shouldn't. Instead, they should try to ensure the child doesn't feel like they are the reason for the absence of the parent.
This situation is something that I have dealt with personally and I'm experiencing currently. My father raised me without my mother until I was 10 years old, he was a single parent. My father never once slandered her. He told me the truth about her absence, but he never tried to encourage me to hate her. However, I'll digress. my childhood history will be a blog of it's own. Now, unfortunately, I am raising my son as a single parent. That's why this post isn't focused on deadbeat Dad's because I know that the title deadbeat isn't exclusive to men. Many people like to pretend it is, but it isn't. In both of my personal situations, hatred of the absent parent was not taught.
When my father was raising me as a single parent, he never tried to encourage me to hate my mother. Before she returned, I often wondered why she didn't want to be in my life. My Father taught me to understand her absence. When I was young my mother was battling an addiction to drugs. It caused her to lose custody of all her children. My Father always told me that my mother loved me, she just had to find the strength to fight off the addiction. As a child it saddened me at times, that I didn't have a relationship with my mother. I envied the children who got picked up from school by their mothers. However, it was in my teen years I saw the irony of me envying the kids who had their mom, while they were wishing to know their dad. I had my Dad who had always been there. I learned that I didn't miss out on much. Furthermore, I had my Grandmother Connie and Aunt Cherlyn who filled the maternal role that I may have been missing. When my mom returned back in my life at the age of 10, I didn't harbor any resentment against her. It allowed me to rebuild a relationship with my mother, without her having to break down multiple walls first.
Sometimes I actually laugh at how ironic it is that I am now the single parent. Til this day, I dont harbor any resentment towards my child's father. I just can't understand how he can go months with out seeing his son. Especially, when he was always involved, when our son was younger. When my son was 3 years old, his father got arrested for stupidity (of his own accord). He served 5 years in prison. I ensured my son continued to have a relationship with his father through visits and phone calls. Once he was released, he continued to be an involved Father. However, after about a year his visits started becoming sporadic. When I asked him for an answer on why, he would state it was his depression, and not having a job. He claimed he wanted to be able to take our son out instead of always being in the house. Which to me is not excusable. After missing 5 years of your sons life, you should want to see him regardless of if you can take him places. However, me being the helpful soul that I am (and if you know me personally you know I will help people with my last) I started helping financially so he would see my son more frequently. I bought him a metro card and gave him money to take my son places (i.e. the movies, arcade).
Eventually, the visits began to falter again. His father would say he was coming to pick him up and not show up, he stopped answering calls, and eventually disappeared. After all of this, I have still contemplated whether or not I should call my son's father a deadbeat. I've never wanted to cause him embarrassment or wanted people to think I was seeking attention, but the truth of the matter is my son hasn't seen his father since September of 2017. Before September, the last time he seen him was in July. Before July, It was March 31, on my son's birthday. However, up until recent if you talk to my son, he wouldn't have a negative thing to say about his father. When he asks about his father's absence, I give him honest answers. He asks, why he doesn't come see him, I tell him, "I don't know." Which is true, I don't know why he doesn't come around. However, I always follow up by telling him, I know his father loves him and he may just be going through something right now.
Recently, My son and I were driving home and he stated to me that a friend of mine asked him "How's your Dad?" and he responded "Who's that, I don't know who that is?" I was shocked. This was his own admission. AND EVEN THEN, I reassured him about his Father. I explained to him that it was okay for him to express feelings of frustration and resentment about his Father's absence, but he didn't have to act like he didn't know him. Furthermore, I reiterated that his father maybe battling depression and other issues in life where he has to battle them alone. At this point he began to cry, he was confused on how he should feel. I comforted him, and explained that although he misses his Dad, he has ALWAYS had a father. MY FATHER, his grandfather. His grandfather has been there since day one. His grandfather taught him how to ride a bike, how to box, about girls, about Islam and Mathematics, and any other thing a father would teach his son. My son agreed and stopped crying. Since then, we rarely speak about his Father. He brings him up from time to time, if he's talking about a time when his father was around, but not about his absence. I'm not sure if my son just accepts his absence or doesn't care anymore. Either way, he made that decision on his own.
I can't tell anyone how to raise their kids. I am not licensed in behavioral development, I haven't studied the effects on children who are taught to hate the absent parent, and I can admit I am not a perfect mother. However, I can speak from personal experience and what I have witnessed. I believe that you shouldn't talk bad about the absent parent to the child. It does more bad then good. Honestly, I don't see what good could come from it. The child could grow up to think you're the reason for the other parents absence due to your bitterness. They can internalize the absence and blame themselves. As a parent you must ensure that the child doesn't blame themselves. Children begin to develop their own feelings about situations by themselves. They don't need to be coerced into feeling a type of way. Referring back to the video, where the mother was explaining to the 3 year old her father didn't want her, I personally believe that was for personal gain. The mother was mad at the dad, and she wanted the daughter to be mad as well. However, the child was 3 and was too young for any conversation of that nature. Please, think about your children, ALWAYS do what's best for them, not what's best for you. My Father teaching me to understand my mother's absence, helped me to embrace her presence when she came back around. She was able to explain to me what she was going through and we were able to build a relationship. I am hoping, if/when my son's father gets his life together my son will give him a chance to rebuild their relationship, too. If my child's father called me today, after not seeing him for a year I would let him. I would never deny him visitation. It's my son's choice whether he wants to see him or not. It's my son's choice whether to feel anger or resentment towards his father. The feeling will be developed on his own, NOT because I have encouraged him. I believe all parents should do the same.
Please, like and follow my blog. If there's a topic you would like me to touch on, email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com
I know being a single parent can be hard, and can cause a person to feel frustration or resentment towards the child's absent parent. However, I don't think this should encourage people to degrade the absent parent to the child. Children are more intuitive to what's going on then we believe, and eventually the child will understand on their own that their mother/father was an absentee parent. I believe in some cases that the custodial parent seeks to taint the image of the absent parent to the child. They want to encourage the child to despise the absent parent as much as they do. However, they shouldn't. Instead, they should try to ensure the child doesn't feel like they are the reason for the absence of the parent.
This situation is something that I have dealt with personally and I'm experiencing currently. My father raised me without my mother until I was 10 years old, he was a single parent. My father never once slandered her. He told me the truth about her absence, but he never tried to encourage me to hate her. However, I'll digress. my childhood history will be a blog of it's own. Now, unfortunately, I am raising my son as a single parent. That's why this post isn't focused on deadbeat Dad's because I know that the title deadbeat isn't exclusive to men. Many people like to pretend it is, but it isn't. In both of my personal situations, hatred of the absent parent was not taught.
When my father was raising me as a single parent, he never tried to encourage me to hate my mother. Before she returned, I often wondered why she didn't want to be in my life. My Father taught me to understand her absence. When I was young my mother was battling an addiction to drugs. It caused her to lose custody of all her children. My Father always told me that my mother loved me, she just had to find the strength to fight off the addiction. As a child it saddened me at times, that I didn't have a relationship with my mother. I envied the children who got picked up from school by their mothers. However, it was in my teen years I saw the irony of me envying the kids who had their mom, while they were wishing to know their dad. I had my Dad who had always been there. I learned that I didn't miss out on much. Furthermore, I had my Grandmother Connie and Aunt Cherlyn who filled the maternal role that I may have been missing. When my mom returned back in my life at the age of 10, I didn't harbor any resentment against her. It allowed me to rebuild a relationship with my mother, without her having to break down multiple walls first.
Sometimes I actually laugh at how ironic it is that I am now the single parent. Til this day, I dont harbor any resentment towards my child's father. I just can't understand how he can go months with out seeing his son. Especially, when he was always involved, when our son was younger. When my son was 3 years old, his father got arrested for stupidity (of his own accord). He served 5 years in prison. I ensured my son continued to have a relationship with his father through visits and phone calls. Once he was released, he continued to be an involved Father. However, after about a year his visits started becoming sporadic. When I asked him for an answer on why, he would state it was his depression, and not having a job. He claimed he wanted to be able to take our son out instead of always being in the house. Which to me is not excusable. After missing 5 years of your sons life, you should want to see him regardless of if you can take him places. However, me being the helpful soul that I am (and if you know me personally you know I will help people with my last) I started helping financially so he would see my son more frequently. I bought him a metro card and gave him money to take my son places (i.e. the movies, arcade).
Eventually, the visits began to falter again. His father would say he was coming to pick him up and not show up, he stopped answering calls, and eventually disappeared. After all of this, I have still contemplated whether or not I should call my son's father a deadbeat. I've never wanted to cause him embarrassment or wanted people to think I was seeking attention, but the truth of the matter is my son hasn't seen his father since September of 2017. Before September, the last time he seen him was in July. Before July, It was March 31, on my son's birthday. However, up until recent if you talk to my son, he wouldn't have a negative thing to say about his father. When he asks about his father's absence, I give him honest answers. He asks, why he doesn't come see him, I tell him, "I don't know." Which is true, I don't know why he doesn't come around. However, I always follow up by telling him, I know his father loves him and he may just be going through something right now.
Recently, My son and I were driving home and he stated to me that a friend of mine asked him "How's your Dad?" and he responded "Who's that, I don't know who that is?" I was shocked. This was his own admission. AND EVEN THEN, I reassured him about his Father. I explained to him that it was okay for him to express feelings of frustration and resentment about his Father's absence, but he didn't have to act like he didn't know him. Furthermore, I reiterated that his father maybe battling depression and other issues in life where he has to battle them alone. At this point he began to cry, he was confused on how he should feel. I comforted him, and explained that although he misses his Dad, he has ALWAYS had a father. MY FATHER, his grandfather. His grandfather has been there since day one. His grandfather taught him how to ride a bike, how to box, about girls, about Islam and Mathematics, and any other thing a father would teach his son. My son agreed and stopped crying. Since then, we rarely speak about his Father. He brings him up from time to time, if he's talking about a time when his father was around, but not about his absence. I'm not sure if my son just accepts his absence or doesn't care anymore. Either way, he made that decision on his own.
I can't tell anyone how to raise their kids. I am not licensed in behavioral development, I haven't studied the effects on children who are taught to hate the absent parent, and I can admit I am not a perfect mother. However, I can speak from personal experience and what I have witnessed. I believe that you shouldn't talk bad about the absent parent to the child. It does more bad then good. Honestly, I don't see what good could come from it. The child could grow up to think you're the reason for the other parents absence due to your bitterness. They can internalize the absence and blame themselves. As a parent you must ensure that the child doesn't blame themselves. Children begin to develop their own feelings about situations by themselves. They don't need to be coerced into feeling a type of way. Referring back to the video, where the mother was explaining to the 3 year old her father didn't want her, I personally believe that was for personal gain. The mother was mad at the dad, and she wanted the daughter to be mad as well. However, the child was 3 and was too young for any conversation of that nature. Please, think about your children, ALWAYS do what's best for them, not what's best for you. My Father teaching me to understand my mother's absence, helped me to embrace her presence when she came back around. She was able to explain to me what she was going through and we were able to build a relationship. I am hoping, if/when my son's father gets his life together my son will give him a chance to rebuild their relationship, too. If my child's father called me today, after not seeing him for a year I would let him. I would never deny him visitation. It's my son's choice whether he wants to see him or not. It's my son's choice whether to feel anger or resentment towards his father. The feeling will be developed on his own, NOT because I have encouraged him. I believe all parents should do the same.
Please, like and follow my blog. If there's a topic you would like me to touch on, email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
Are you a bitter baby mama?
Are you a bitter baby mama? Ask any mother this question and each and everyone of them will deny it. For many mothers, the answer could be the truth. They may have no resentment or ill feelings toward the father of their child/children. However, there are some mothers who are bitter and use the child as a pawn to hurt the child's father.
For some reason some mothers are proud to be a part of the "Bitter Baby Mama" club, even though they will deny their membership. They feel the title gives them a sense of empowerment. They believe that they will always have a sufficient place in their child's father's life. This can be considered true because the parents of a child will have to interact and co-parent for the rest of their lives, however this is not the sense of entitlement that they believe having a child affords them. Some mothers believe that having a child entitles them to act a dayum fool. Although, there are many factors we could analyze to determine whether a mother can be considered a bitter baby mama, I've reduced it to 3: Control, Complaints, and Concerns. And I'll use an example, to illustrate the points.
I have a friend, let's call him Mystery, who got a young lady pregnant that he wasn't in a relationship with. The young lady, who we'll name Jasmine, informed him from the beginning she wanted to keep the baby. They decided to face their responsibly and co-parent the child. However, from that moment Jasmine insisted that she and Mystery should try a relationship for the benefit of their child. Mystery made it clear that he didn't want a relationship with her. Two months before she found out she was pregnant, they had actually stopped talking. Based on the brief relationship they had, Mystery felt that they were not compatible. Throughout the remaining months of pregnancy, Jasmine continued to ask about a relationship. Once she began to realize that even a baby wouldn't ignite a relationship between them, she started to use the pregnancy as a pawn to CONTROL him.
Often she would make sudden and ridiculous request, and tell him it was a "test" to determine if he would be a good father. One time she lied and said she was in labor and about to have the baby. She did it to see how fast he would coming running to her aid. The pregnancy was filled with faux, hoax, and lies to appease the hurt she felt knowing that even a baby would not force him to be in a relationship with her.
Once the baby was born, it only got worse. She would designate times that he could see his child outside of her presence. If she wasn't present he could only keep his child for an hour or so. He was never able to keep the baby for an entire night. She would opt to come get the baby, who was less than a month old, at 2am instead of letting the baby spend the night with his father. He didn't have a choice in the baby's name, when he could spend time with the baby, or selecting childcare. Jasmine controlled all aspects of the baby's life and expected Mystery to accept her choices. If he didn't she would tell him, he wasn't a good father. She would make COMPLAINTS that Mystery wasn't committed to co-parenting.
Jasmine would complain when Mystery didn't fully agree with her choices. Using the example about picking the baby up at 2am, when Mystery told Jasmine he wouldn't take the baby if she was going to pick him up at 2 am because it was unsafe, she called him a deadbeat. Picking up a infant at 2am, after you have been partying and drinking is unsafe, and was a responsible call on the father's part. However, that didn't matter to her. She allowed her bitterness to cloud her judgement and her CONCERNS.
Daily, Jasmine would direct her concerns to Mystery's personal life. She would ask if he was still dating his new girlfriend, his whereabouts, and occasionally ask him for sex. Since the answers weren't what she wanted to hear, she would block his number for 2 or 3 days, or deny him visitation with his child. Eventually, she began to start threatening him with child support, even though he was taking care of his child. On the contrary, he welcomed the idea because it meant that he could get court ordered visitation. Eventually, that's exactly what happened and all of it worked out in his favor.
I share this story because it's many women out there who may still be in love with the child's father, have bitterness, or hold some type of resentment towards him. However, your child's livelihood SHOULD be the most important aspect of your parenthood. Both parents can provide a well rounded child hood, if they co-parent. This is severely needed in the black community. If you are harboring resentment toward your child's father, LET IT GO. Clearly, resentment is preventing you from being the BEST parent to your child. The anger is not only affecting the father, it's affecting you and your child. Be real with yourself, and ask "are you creating a barrier that prevents a GOOD FATHER from seeing his child/children?"Are you excessively controlling? Are your complaints fabricated? Are your concerns misplaced? If the answer is yes, in any capacity, then you need to evaluate how you can change for the benefit of the child/children and for yourself. "It is only when a wound is left untreated that it becomes infected." Let go of the resentment and allow yourself to heal.
Thank you for reading!!! Comment and/or email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com.
For some reason some mothers are proud to be a part of the "Bitter Baby Mama" club, even though they will deny their membership. They feel the title gives them a sense of empowerment. They believe that they will always have a sufficient place in their child's father's life. This can be considered true because the parents of a child will have to interact and co-parent for the rest of their lives, however this is not the sense of entitlement that they believe having a child affords them. Some mothers believe that having a child entitles them to act a dayum fool. Although, there are many factors we could analyze to determine whether a mother can be considered a bitter baby mama, I've reduced it to 3: Control, Complaints, and Concerns. And I'll use an example, to illustrate the points.
I have a friend, let's call him Mystery, who got a young lady pregnant that he wasn't in a relationship with. The young lady, who we'll name Jasmine, informed him from the beginning she wanted to keep the baby. They decided to face their responsibly and co-parent the child. However, from that moment Jasmine insisted that she and Mystery should try a relationship for the benefit of their child. Mystery made it clear that he didn't want a relationship with her. Two months before she found out she was pregnant, they had actually stopped talking. Based on the brief relationship they had, Mystery felt that they were not compatible. Throughout the remaining months of pregnancy, Jasmine continued to ask about a relationship. Once she began to realize that even a baby wouldn't ignite a relationship between them, she started to use the pregnancy as a pawn to CONTROL him.
Often she would make sudden and ridiculous request, and tell him it was a "test" to determine if he would be a good father. One time she lied and said she was in labor and about to have the baby. She did it to see how fast he would coming running to her aid. The pregnancy was filled with faux, hoax, and lies to appease the hurt she felt knowing that even a baby would not force him to be in a relationship with her.
Once the baby was born, it only got worse. She would designate times that he could see his child outside of her presence. If she wasn't present he could only keep his child for an hour or so. He was never able to keep the baby for an entire night. She would opt to come get the baby, who was less than a month old, at 2am instead of letting the baby spend the night with his father. He didn't have a choice in the baby's name, when he could spend time with the baby, or selecting childcare. Jasmine controlled all aspects of the baby's life and expected Mystery to accept her choices. If he didn't she would tell him, he wasn't a good father. She would make COMPLAINTS that Mystery wasn't committed to co-parenting.
Jasmine would complain when Mystery didn't fully agree with her choices. Using the example about picking the baby up at 2am, when Mystery told Jasmine he wouldn't take the baby if she was going to pick him up at 2 am because it was unsafe, she called him a deadbeat. Picking up a infant at 2am, after you have been partying and drinking is unsafe, and was a responsible call on the father's part. However, that didn't matter to her. She allowed her bitterness to cloud her judgement and her CONCERNS.
Daily, Jasmine would direct her concerns to Mystery's personal life. She would ask if he was still dating his new girlfriend, his whereabouts, and occasionally ask him for sex. Since the answers weren't what she wanted to hear, she would block his number for 2 or 3 days, or deny him visitation with his child. Eventually, she began to start threatening him with child support, even though he was taking care of his child. On the contrary, he welcomed the idea because it meant that he could get court ordered visitation. Eventually, that's exactly what happened and all of it worked out in his favor.
I share this story because it's many women out there who may still be in love with the child's father, have bitterness, or hold some type of resentment towards him. However, your child's livelihood SHOULD be the most important aspect of your parenthood. Both parents can provide a well rounded child hood, if they co-parent. This is severely needed in the black community. If you are harboring resentment toward your child's father, LET IT GO. Clearly, resentment is preventing you from being the BEST parent to your child. The anger is not only affecting the father, it's affecting you and your child. Be real with yourself, and ask "are you creating a barrier that prevents a GOOD FATHER from seeing his child/children?"Are you excessively controlling? Are your complaints fabricated? Are your concerns misplaced? If the answer is yes, in any capacity, then you need to evaluate how you can change for the benefit of the child/children and for yourself. "It is only when a wound is left untreated that it becomes infected." Let go of the resentment and allow yourself to heal.
Thank you for reading!!! Comment and/or email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com.
Friday, January 26, 2018
Did Cardi B stay because she's dickmatized by Offset?
The last blog I posted was entitled Dickmatized. If you haven’t read it, I suggest you do. Therefore, you can fully understand some of the things that will be stated in this blog. I described the 3 elements that will determine whether a person is dickmatized over their spouse. Before I utilize the 3 elements to determine if Cardi B is dickmatized over Offset, I will give some pretext to the situation.
Cardi B, who's real name is Belcalis Almanzar, is a newly famed rapper in the hip-hop industry. She debuted in the reality show Love and Hip-hop New york. Since her appearance on the show she has gained millions of fans and became a household name. I can admit that I myself am a fan, and am rooting for her continued success. On July 16, 2016, Cardi released her first single under a major record label titled “Bodak Yellow”. This single took her to the top of the charts, and she became the second female artist in history to reach number 1 on the Billboard top 100, without any features. Additionally, she was featured on a couple of other hit singles and released another single titled Bartier Cardi.
On top of that, she began dating her current boyfriend Offset from the Migos. After months of dating, Offset proposed to Cardi at the powerhouse 99 in philly. Cardi accepted the proposal and the couple seemed to be moving in a great direction in their relationship. Unfortunately, in December their relationship was caught in the middle of a scandal. Someone hacked into Offset's icloud account and released a video of a naked women in a hotel room with Offset. Of course the news spread like wildfire and everyone wanted to know would Cardi leave the relationship. Eventually we got the answer. Cardi B stated on her instagram, in a reply to a commenter, "Well if people are talking about it and keep asking me how I feel about the situation why not let them know? Right or wrong? No it's not right for a nikka to cheat...But what you want me to do? Go f--- me another nikka? Start all over again and get cheated on again? This shit happens to everyone. People handle they relationship different soo."
After this revelation, friends asked me if Cardi, by my definition, was dickmatized. First, let's go over the criteria. The elements of dickmatization include time, behavior, and reciprocation.
As stated previously, time is a key factor in determining whether someone is dickmatized. The shorter the amount of time you have been dealing with someone, the more likely you are dickmatized. Cardi and Offset have only been dating for 11 months. They got engaged after 8 months of dating. I know people believe love doesn't have constraints or time frames, but after 1-2 years of dating the honeymoon phase wears off and you begin to really meet your spouse. When you first starting dating someone, you are not meeting the true person, you're meeting their representative. Almost every relationship I've had, when I ask about why their previous relationship didn't work out, they blame it on the other person. They aren't going to tell you they cheated through the entire relationship, abused the person, or that they lose interest fast. They're not gonna tell you that they are extremely insecure, need access to all your social media accounts and the password to your phone to believe you're not cheating on them. They are going to offer you the best version of themselves to encourage you to like them. This mask doesn't come off until after about a year when you start to get comfortable with the person. Cardi and Offset haven't gotten past the honeymoon stage. If you are willing to accept cheating, or any other deal breaking behavior in your relationship, and you haven't been dating over a year, you may be dickmatized.
The next element is behavior. I can't go into too much detail because we only see what they allow us to see. We only see videos of them being happy, when they are on Instagram or Facebook live. We don't know their behaviors behind close doors. The type of behavior that shows a person is whipped, usually consist of a drug addict. They need their spouse at all cost and are willing to do anything to keep the relationship. Cardi's response to the cheating, stating "No it's not right for a nikka to cheat...But what you want me to do?" illustrates that in some depth of her mind this may be acceptable. It's like she's saying, I might as well except him cheating on me, because the next guy will too. It's actually disheartening if she thinks there are no faithful men in the world. In my opinion, Cardi's behavior doesn't shows she's dickmatized. I don't think that her behavior shows that she is making excusing for sticking by his side. She's admitting the cheating is wrong, however she is accepting it. This attitude actually shows that she may be a little insecure in herself to believe that she cant attract a man that won't cheat on her. This is something that would have been affecting her before her relationship with Offset. On another note: If Offset was cheating on Cardi in September, then proposed to her in October, it makes me wonder was the engagement a sentiment to get back in Cardi good graces? Was he trying to tell her it would never happen again? If so, that's foolish. Marriage doesn't stop a person from cheating.
The final element is reciprocation. A relationship should be blanketed with love, affection, attention, and intimacy that is reciprocated. As the saying goes, love is a two way street. Are you getting back from your spouse what you're dishing out? Again, we can't be too sure with celebrities because for the most part we only see what they show us. From what we see on their social media accounts, they show each other the same type of love, attention, and affection. However, offset didn't reciprocate being faithful. He decided to step out on the relationship. This behavior shows a lack of respect in the relationship. By this standard, Cardi can be considered dickmatized.
Based on this summation, Cardi can be considered a little dickmatized. However, Cardi may also be a little infatuated, and a little uncomfortable under the new limelight. Remember, dickmatized can be defined as a person being obsessed with dick. This obsession causes a person to do things that they wouldn't usually do. They become irrational and although everyone else can see that they are whipped, they can not. In my opinion, Cardi does not fit all these standards. As I stated before, I think Cardi may actually believe that all men are cheaters. If she believes that, then the reason she decided to stay has nothing to do with Offsets dick. It's attributed to her belief that any man she dates will cheat. Furthermore, She may see her relationship and engagement as part of her accomplishments. And losing this accomplishment, would signal loss in her career and fame.
I'm not mad that Cardi decided to stay in her relationship. It's her life to live and her decision to make. Maybe Offset learned his lesson, maybe they made a conscience decision to try one more time. I have stayed in 2 relationships, where I was cheated on. One relationship, I was dickmatized and one where I prayed it would work for the sake of my son. I decided to stay and it was solely my choice when i decided to leave. Cardi shouldn't be pressured to make a decision based on her fans. I just think fans were a little disappointed that Cardi didn't dump Offset because they wanted her to be true her "Bodak Yellow" lyrics: "And im quick to cut a n**** off so don't get comfortable."
Thanks for reading. Please, share, comment, and follow.
Sunday, December 10, 2017
Are you Dickmatized?
Many of my friends believe that I have a knack for understanding them and giving them advice, based on my understanding of how they operate. So, they always ask me for advice, which often encourages me to write.
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend and we were discussing whether or not she should stop messing with the guy she has been dating for 3 years. Although she swore it was love, I knew she was dickmatized. We started discussing, how to decipher the difference between being in love and being dickmatized. I came to a few elements we could use to determine it: time, behavior, and reciprocation.
My friend, let's call her Patience, was dealing with a man for 3 years. Throughout 3 years he had giving her an outstanding amount of headaches, without even committing to her. They were never in an official relationship. Based on everything that she continued to allow him to do, I came to the conclusion that she was dickmatized.
Patience met Taylor 3 years ago. From the beginning, Taylor made it clear that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. Although, he was in a relationship previous to meeting Patience, at this time he stated he wasn't ready to be in a relationship again. At first this was cool, because when you first start dating a person, you're not sure it's gonna work out, so you're not pressed about a relationship. However, after a few months you begin to decide if you want to pursue a relationship. Of course, after a few months, Patience was infatuated with the penis and wanted it all to herself. She began to press Taylor about being monogamous, but he still insisted that he wasn't ready. He would ask, "what would be different?" and she didn't have an answer. Ironically, he was telling her so much in that sentence.
It didn't matter if they labeled it a relationship, because he was still going to mess with other women. He was still going to be unaffectionate, outside of sex. He was still not going to take her on dates, and the majority of their meet-ups were still going to be at her house. For the first three years of their relationship, she had never been to his house. He never even invited her. His excuse was that he lived with his parents, who were old school and they didn't like that he brought over women. However, his previous girlfriend, who he now had a child by was more than welcome. Did I mention he was still messing with this ex? A few times patience had went through his phone, and saw that Taylor was still sexting his ex, and was flirting with other women. But, what could she say? His response was always they are not in a relationship. In the course of 3 years, Taylor had put Patience through the ringer. He had gotten another women pregnant, although he had insisted that he didn't want anymore kids when she had told him she wanted one. She had multiple arguments and altercations with both baby mothers, and he didn't treat her the way she wanted to be treated. She constantly overextended her self to prove to him that she was relationship material. She wanted to prove that she was all Taylor needed. However, it never worked. It never worked, because that was never Taylor's plan.
If you asked her why she stayed for 3 years, she would state it was because she loved him. Unfortunately, I knew that it was because she was dickmatized. Like the old folks say, the proof is in the pudding. If you analyze the elements of dickamatization, you could clearly see that Patience was dickmatized.
Time
Time is a key factor in determining dickamatization. In my opinion, 1-2 years is not enough time to love someone so much that you put up with being cheated on and being treated less than you deserve. You can not convince me that in one year you love a person so much that you will give up your sanity and accept being given the bare minimum. After 5 plus years, there may be some extreme ties between a person and their spouse that prevent them from separating, such has finances, mortgage, joint back accounts or kids. However, 365 days fly past, and in that amount of time there is no significant factors that prevent you from leaving. Unless pregnancy occurs, but even then you dont have to put up with drama just because you have a kid together.
Behavior
If your behavior can be considered irrational then you could be dickmatized. Patience would argue with Taylor about the way he treated her, and tell him that he needed to treat her the way she wanted to be treated. This would make Taylor mad and he would ignore her. She would end up apologizing to him, although she wasn't in the wrong for expressing to him how she should be treated. Patience would come up with excuses for Taylor's behavior. She would go out of her way to make sure he was good. If he needed money she would provide it. She would give him husband benefits, even though they wasn't in a relationship. If you are behaving in a way that a drug addict does, in the name of love, then you are dickmatized. Especially, if the person you are dealing with is not reciprocating any of your behaviors.
Reciporocation
Throughout the 3 years, Taylor has not given Patience the same amount of love and affection that she has given him. He gave her the bare minimum. You could count the amount of times they went out on one hand. It didn't seem to affect him when she was mad or sad. He didn't go out of his way to make sure she was ok, they way she always made sure he was ok. He never made an effort to meet her family and friends. He did not reciprocate what she dished out. This is an essential element in deciphering if a person is dickmatized. If you are being treated like Patience, what is it that you are really in love with? He doesn't treat you like you are a goddess, he doesn't court you, he still messes with other woman, and he can be an asshole from time to time. If this is the case, then love is definitely not the reason you have remained this guys door mat. The only reasonable explanation is being dickmatized.
Dickmatized can be defined as a person being obsessed with dick. This obsession causes a person to do things that they wouldn't usually do. They become irrational and although everyone else can see that they are whipped, they can not. If you can see yourself in anything that I described, and have become aware that you are dickmatized, you need to get out now. See your worth and find someone who may be worth all the effort you're giving now.
Patience still can't see that she is dickmatized, even after I broke it down to her. However, I know that she is dickmatized because I use to be in her shoes. When I was in the thick of it, I couldn't see that I was dickmatized either. Now, I sit back and ask myself, what made me love that man so much that I acted in such a way? My responses always come up empty. There was no reason why I cared for him so much. He didn't treat me great. He was always talking to other women, we never went on dates, and I hardly met any of his family. The one thing we did have was great sex,which lead me to understand I was dickmatized. It took me years to leave that man alone, but it was the best decision I have made. I can only encourage Patience to leave Taylor alone. Ultimately, it's up to her to figure it out and decide that she deserves love.
Thank you for reading. Like, Share, Comment.
FYI: I have permission to share these details.
-Precious Truthz
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend and we were discussing whether or not she should stop messing with the guy she has been dating for 3 years. Although she swore it was love, I knew she was dickmatized. We started discussing, how to decipher the difference between being in love and being dickmatized. I came to a few elements we could use to determine it: time, behavior, and reciprocation.
My friend, let's call her Patience, was dealing with a man for 3 years. Throughout 3 years he had giving her an outstanding amount of headaches, without even committing to her. They were never in an official relationship. Based on everything that she continued to allow him to do, I came to the conclusion that she was dickmatized.
Patience met Taylor 3 years ago. From the beginning, Taylor made it clear that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. Although, he was in a relationship previous to meeting Patience, at this time he stated he wasn't ready to be in a relationship again. At first this was cool, because when you first start dating a person, you're not sure it's gonna work out, so you're not pressed about a relationship. However, after a few months you begin to decide if you want to pursue a relationship. Of course, after a few months, Patience was infatuated with the penis and wanted it all to herself. She began to press Taylor about being monogamous, but he still insisted that he wasn't ready. He would ask, "what would be different?" and she didn't have an answer. Ironically, he was telling her so much in that sentence.
It didn't matter if they labeled it a relationship, because he was still going to mess with other women. He was still going to be unaffectionate, outside of sex. He was still not going to take her on dates, and the majority of their meet-ups were still going to be at her house. For the first three years of their relationship, she had never been to his house. He never even invited her. His excuse was that he lived with his parents, who were old school and they didn't like that he brought over women. However, his previous girlfriend, who he now had a child by was more than welcome. Did I mention he was still messing with this ex? A few times patience had went through his phone, and saw that Taylor was still sexting his ex, and was flirting with other women. But, what could she say? His response was always they are not in a relationship. In the course of 3 years, Taylor had put Patience through the ringer. He had gotten another women pregnant, although he had insisted that he didn't want anymore kids when she had told him she wanted one. She had multiple arguments and altercations with both baby mothers, and he didn't treat her the way she wanted to be treated. She constantly overextended her self to prove to him that she was relationship material. She wanted to prove that she was all Taylor needed. However, it never worked. It never worked, because that was never Taylor's plan.
If you asked her why she stayed for 3 years, she would state it was because she loved him. Unfortunately, I knew that it was because she was dickmatized. Like the old folks say, the proof is in the pudding. If you analyze the elements of dickamatization, you could clearly see that Patience was dickmatized.
Time
Time is a key factor in determining dickamatization. In my opinion, 1-2 years is not enough time to love someone so much that you put up with being cheated on and being treated less than you deserve. You can not convince me that in one year you love a person so much that you will give up your sanity and accept being given the bare minimum. After 5 plus years, there may be some extreme ties between a person and their spouse that prevent them from separating, such has finances, mortgage, joint back accounts or kids. However, 365 days fly past, and in that amount of time there is no significant factors that prevent you from leaving. Unless pregnancy occurs, but even then you dont have to put up with drama just because you have a kid together.
Behavior
If your behavior can be considered irrational then you could be dickmatized. Patience would argue with Taylor about the way he treated her, and tell him that he needed to treat her the way she wanted to be treated. This would make Taylor mad and he would ignore her. She would end up apologizing to him, although she wasn't in the wrong for expressing to him how she should be treated. Patience would come up with excuses for Taylor's behavior. She would go out of her way to make sure he was good. If he needed money she would provide it. She would give him husband benefits, even though they wasn't in a relationship. If you are behaving in a way that a drug addict does, in the name of love, then you are dickmatized. Especially, if the person you are dealing with is not reciprocating any of your behaviors.
Reciporocation
Throughout the 3 years, Taylor has not given Patience the same amount of love and affection that she has given him. He gave her the bare minimum. You could count the amount of times they went out on one hand. It didn't seem to affect him when she was mad or sad. He didn't go out of his way to make sure she was ok, they way she always made sure he was ok. He never made an effort to meet her family and friends. He did not reciprocate what she dished out. This is an essential element in deciphering if a person is dickmatized. If you are being treated like Patience, what is it that you are really in love with? He doesn't treat you like you are a goddess, he doesn't court you, he still messes with other woman, and he can be an asshole from time to time. If this is the case, then love is definitely not the reason you have remained this guys door mat. The only reasonable explanation is being dickmatized.
Dickmatized can be defined as a person being obsessed with dick. This obsession causes a person to do things that they wouldn't usually do. They become irrational and although everyone else can see that they are whipped, they can not. If you can see yourself in anything that I described, and have become aware that you are dickmatized, you need to get out now. See your worth and find someone who may be worth all the effort you're giving now.
Patience still can't see that she is dickmatized, even after I broke it down to her. However, I know that she is dickmatized because I use to be in her shoes. When I was in the thick of it, I couldn't see that I was dickmatized either. Now, I sit back and ask myself, what made me love that man so much that I acted in such a way? My responses always come up empty. There was no reason why I cared for him so much. He didn't treat me great. He was always talking to other women, we never went on dates, and I hardly met any of his family. The one thing we did have was great sex,which lead me to understand I was dickmatized. It took me years to leave that man alone, but it was the best decision I have made. I can only encourage Patience to leave Taylor alone. Ultimately, it's up to her to figure it out and decide that she deserves love.
Thank you for reading. Like, Share, Comment.
FYI: I have permission to share these details.
-Precious Truthz
Thursday, November 23, 2017
The spouse who always thinks you're cheating
I have a friend, lets call him Langston, who has a girlfriend who always thinks he is cheating. It doesn't matter what he's doing, she doesn't believe it. Langston could be going to a family event, hanging out with his friends, or working overtime. However, in her mind that all equates to cheating. Anytime he is not in her presence, she thinks he must be with another girl. He asked me what do I think he should do, because it's starting to get annoying. I explained to him, before I can tell him an answer, we need to know the root cause of her insecurity. Once you understand where her fear of infidelity comes from, then you will know how to resolve the issue.
There are various reasons why a woman or man has insecurities about infidelity. These reasons include: History, Behavior, Projection, and Control.
History
History is one of the biggest reasons a person has insecurities. If a person has been cheated on in a previous relationship or in their current relationship, they are going to have doubts about their spouse being faithful. This is especially true if it happened in the current relationship. If a person is cheated on in their relationship, then the insecurity is justifiable. However, if the person decides to stay in the relationship, they have to agree to accept this reality and move forward. If you know that you are never going to be able to trust that person, you might as well break up.
Behavior
A change in behavior can be disturbing to a partner if they don't understand it. If a person becomes distant, or a person is constantly checking their phone, or some other new behavior, it may cause their spouse to have insecurities. The new behavior may lead your spouse to believe that you are losing interest or have taken interest in some new.
Projection
A spouse can be consistently accusing you of cheating because they are cheating themselves. The point is to either convince themselves that they have a reason to cheat or throw you off so you don't realize that they are cheating. They can also be thinking about potentially cheating and looking for a reason to do it. If they convince themselves that their spouse is doing it, it makes it easier for them to do it.
Control
Some people use their "insecurity" as a means of control. Let's go back to Langston. Since he knows his girlfriend is insecure, he doesn't go out with friends as much, he ensures that he calls her often when he has to work late or is not in her presence. Some people use that to control their spouses lives. She's going to continue to accuse him of cheating because she knows that he will curtail his plans to avoid an argument with her. This knowledge is used as a means of control.
Now that we know the causes of insecurities, we can address how to resolve them.
History
A person who is cheated on, doesn't want to hear it was a mistake. Cheating is never a mistake, it is a choice. In order for a spouse to start trusting you again, you have to have a truthful discussion about the cheating. Any question that is asked,you must answer truthfully. Many people who have cheated, try to apologize and promise it wont happen again, to rush the conversation. Many people know that the details will either push their spouse further away, or hurt them even more. However, the details are very important if you want to move forward. If all the details are not given to your spouse during the first conversation, every time they learn a new detail it will be like reliving the experience again. It will reopen old wounds and they will begin to question your loyalty again. Additionally, there are some people who will internalize the infidelity and blame themselves. Some may think they weren't good enough, or that it was something they lacked which caused the cheating. If a person blames their self for their spouses cheating, it can diminish their self worth. They may believe that they are not good enough to prevent their spouse from cheating. This is why it's crucial to have a truthful conversation about the cheating incident. Don't allow your spouse to suffer for your infidelities, let them know that it was your poor decision making that lead to your cheating, or that you weren't ready for commitment.
I remember watching an episode of marriage boot camp, and one of the wives continuously brought up the fact that her husband cheated on her with a girl from the gym. Every time she brought it up, the husband got mad and stormed off. When he spoke about why it makes him mad, he stated he just wanted her to get over it. However, she couldn't get over it because they never really discussed it. He expected her to just get over it, and accept his apology, without truly discussing it. The wife wasn't able to let it go, until they discussed it and she could accept the reasons he cheated. If the cheating did stem from a issue in the relationship, she needs to know that you will look towards each other for the answer, not else where.
If the insecurities are due to a previous relationship, then you can attempt to ensure your spouse that you are not their ex, and you don't need to pay for some one else mistakes. If they still continue to show that they are not over their ex, then maybe the relationship should be paused. Maybe the person who has the insecurities needs time to heal before they can move on to another relationship.
Behavior
If you are aware that you have been acting differently in your relationship, address this change. The change could be from outside factors should as work, or depression. Share with your spouse the reasons for the recent behavioral changes. Maybe they can help with the issues you are facing. That's what your spouse is for. If your behavior changes are due to infidelity, than you need to think about if you want to be with your current spouse. Clearly, your spouse notices the behavioral changes, which has led to their insecurity. If you don't want to be in an committed relationship, let your spouse know. Allow them to make the decision whether they want to stay under those circumstances.
Projection
It's hard to determine whether a person is projecting. However, If you know you're doing everything right and you're faithful, and you go to the extreme to prove it, then this may be proof that they are projecting. If you have given them the password to your phone and social media, and constantly the things they ask to prove your loyalty, and it still isn't enough it may mean they are projecting their cheating on to you. They feel like if they are cheating, you have to be cheating, too. Some people don't have the gumption to break up with someone, and actually hope that they get caught cheating. Either way, if your spouse continues to accuse you of cheating, maybe you don't need to be in that relationship.
Control
This one is clear cut. If your spouse is using their insecurity to control your life, then you need to let them go. If you find that you're reluctant to go out, or do things that make you happy, in order to avoid confrontation with your spouse, your spouse may be attempting to control your life. It's a person's choice whether they want to remain in an unhealthy relationship, however I would encourage a person not to remain in a relationship with a person who seeks to control them.
After I explained this, Langston revealed that he believed it was a combination of history and control. He stated that she was cheated on in her previous relationship, which did cause her to have insecurities. However, he believed that she also used it as a means to control him. She knew that he would think twice before he made plans to go out with his friends or to even hang out with family. He needed to have a conversation with her to discuss her insecurities and learning to trust him. If she didn't trust him and couldn't trust him in his absences then they couldn't be together.
In my opinion, there are many reasons that lead to insecurities. These insecurities can ruin a relationship, whether they are valid or not. If you believe that your spouse has insecurities, try to find the root causes. Use the reason for the insecurity to determine if it's plausible to resolve the issues. If it is plausible, fix it. Work with your spouse to address your problems and help each other to trust. Communicate and reassure each other. However, if the root causes show that it is something that can not be fixed, move on from it. Don't continue to keep trying to make someone trust you, who may never do so.
There are various reasons why a woman or man has insecurities about infidelity. These reasons include: History, Behavior, Projection, and Control.
History
History is one of the biggest reasons a person has insecurities. If a person has been cheated on in a previous relationship or in their current relationship, they are going to have doubts about their spouse being faithful. This is especially true if it happened in the current relationship. If a person is cheated on in their relationship, then the insecurity is justifiable. However, if the person decides to stay in the relationship, they have to agree to accept this reality and move forward. If you know that you are never going to be able to trust that person, you might as well break up.
Behavior
A change in behavior can be disturbing to a partner if they don't understand it. If a person becomes distant, or a person is constantly checking their phone, or some other new behavior, it may cause their spouse to have insecurities. The new behavior may lead your spouse to believe that you are losing interest or have taken interest in some new.
Projection
A spouse can be consistently accusing you of cheating because they are cheating themselves. The point is to either convince themselves that they have a reason to cheat or throw you off so you don't realize that they are cheating. They can also be thinking about potentially cheating and looking for a reason to do it. If they convince themselves that their spouse is doing it, it makes it easier for them to do it.
Control
Some people use their "insecurity" as a means of control. Let's go back to Langston. Since he knows his girlfriend is insecure, he doesn't go out with friends as much, he ensures that he calls her often when he has to work late or is not in her presence. Some people use that to control their spouses lives. She's going to continue to accuse him of cheating because she knows that he will curtail his plans to avoid an argument with her. This knowledge is used as a means of control.
Now that we know the causes of insecurities, we can address how to resolve them.
History
A person who is cheated on, doesn't want to hear it was a mistake. Cheating is never a mistake, it is a choice. In order for a spouse to start trusting you again, you have to have a truthful discussion about the cheating. Any question that is asked,you must answer truthfully. Many people who have cheated, try to apologize and promise it wont happen again, to rush the conversation. Many people know that the details will either push their spouse further away, or hurt them even more. However, the details are very important if you want to move forward. If all the details are not given to your spouse during the first conversation, every time they learn a new detail it will be like reliving the experience again. It will reopen old wounds and they will begin to question your loyalty again. Additionally, there are some people who will internalize the infidelity and blame themselves. Some may think they weren't good enough, or that it was something they lacked which caused the cheating. If a person blames their self for their spouses cheating, it can diminish their self worth. They may believe that they are not good enough to prevent their spouse from cheating. This is why it's crucial to have a truthful conversation about the cheating incident. Don't allow your spouse to suffer for your infidelities, let them know that it was your poor decision making that lead to your cheating, or that you weren't ready for commitment.
I remember watching an episode of marriage boot camp, and one of the wives continuously brought up the fact that her husband cheated on her with a girl from the gym. Every time she brought it up, the husband got mad and stormed off. When he spoke about why it makes him mad, he stated he just wanted her to get over it. However, she couldn't get over it because they never really discussed it. He expected her to just get over it, and accept his apology, without truly discussing it. The wife wasn't able to let it go, until they discussed it and she could accept the reasons he cheated. If the cheating did stem from a issue in the relationship, she needs to know that you will look towards each other for the answer, not else where.
If the insecurities are due to a previous relationship, then you can attempt to ensure your spouse that you are not their ex, and you don't need to pay for some one else mistakes. If they still continue to show that they are not over their ex, then maybe the relationship should be paused. Maybe the person who has the insecurities needs time to heal before they can move on to another relationship.
Behavior
If you are aware that you have been acting differently in your relationship, address this change. The change could be from outside factors should as work, or depression. Share with your spouse the reasons for the recent behavioral changes. Maybe they can help with the issues you are facing. That's what your spouse is for. If your behavior changes are due to infidelity, than you need to think about if you want to be with your current spouse. Clearly, your spouse notices the behavioral changes, which has led to their insecurity. If you don't want to be in an committed relationship, let your spouse know. Allow them to make the decision whether they want to stay under those circumstances.
Projection
It's hard to determine whether a person is projecting. However, If you know you're doing everything right and you're faithful, and you go to the extreme to prove it, then this may be proof that they are projecting. If you have given them the password to your phone and social media, and constantly the things they ask to prove your loyalty, and it still isn't enough it may mean they are projecting their cheating on to you. They feel like if they are cheating, you have to be cheating, too. Some people don't have the gumption to break up with someone, and actually hope that they get caught cheating. Either way, if your spouse continues to accuse you of cheating, maybe you don't need to be in that relationship.
Control
This one is clear cut. If your spouse is using their insecurity to control your life, then you need to let them go. If you find that you're reluctant to go out, or do things that make you happy, in order to avoid confrontation with your spouse, your spouse may be attempting to control your life. It's a person's choice whether they want to remain in an unhealthy relationship, however I would encourage a person not to remain in a relationship with a person who seeks to control them.
After I explained this, Langston revealed that he believed it was a combination of history and control. He stated that she was cheated on in her previous relationship, which did cause her to have insecurities. However, he believed that she also used it as a means to control him. She knew that he would think twice before he made plans to go out with his friends or to even hang out with family. He needed to have a conversation with her to discuss her insecurities and learning to trust him. If she didn't trust him and couldn't trust him in his absences then they couldn't be together.
In my opinion, there are many reasons that lead to insecurities. These insecurities can ruin a relationship, whether they are valid or not. If you believe that your spouse has insecurities, try to find the root causes. Use the reason for the insecurity to determine if it's plausible to resolve the issues. If it is plausible, fix it. Work with your spouse to address your problems and help each other to trust. Communicate and reassure each other. However, if the root causes show that it is something that can not be fixed, move on from it. Don't continue to keep trying to make someone trust you, who may never do so.
Monday, November 13, 2017
Uncomfortable In My Own Skin
Disclaimer: This post isn't meant to offend anyone. Its meant to be an eye opener and hopefully a cycle breaker. This blog will be a mix of opinions, facts, and statistics. Beware, I'm going to start this off strong!!
BLACK PEOPLE ARE A SELF HATING PEOPLE! This includes Latinx. Many Latinos love to believe that they are not black, but we have the same African roots. The difference is some of us were taken by the british and some were taken by the spaniards. However, I am digressing already. Black people illustrate the hate they have, when they pick a part their black counterparts. Black people will see success of other blacks and point out something wrong with in it. For Example, Gabrielle Douglas. First black female to win the all around individual gold medal. We should be proud and yet what did people do? Criticize her hair. Let's not talk about why hair is such a BIG deal to black people. Matter fact, let's go there.
When I first went natural, there were people who asked "how long would I be going through this phase?", or saying remarks like "I could not do that natural hair stuff. People were against the natural hair movement, citing things like it looks unkempt or it can't be worn professionally. This showed society's views of black features. How can something that grows from a persons head, be considered unprofessional?
Now that the natural hair movement has become a trend, millions of black women are transitioning to natural hair and companies are merchandising it. Years ago, natural haired black women had to make their own hair care products because the hair supply stores did not have great products for our hair. Once companies noticed they were losing money by not providing products that addressed the needs of the natural hair community, they started creating the products and began using our terminology. On every product you see phrases like, control your edges, manage your coils, maintain your curl pattern. Before big companies saw dollars signs on our head, they didn't give a damn about products for our hair. It's a shame that in 2017, we are just getting products that are healthy for our hair.
This type of behavior is nothing new to the black community. Our features, for centuries, have been made out to be ugly and/ or unattractive. Sadly, til this day those views are still indoctrinated in our culture and internalized in our beliefs. Unfortunately, one of the main reasons we have began to change some of those beliefs is because European beauty standards have changed, and white people have begun to love of features. And you know... when they like something of ours, they appropriate it and call it their own.
It's ironic that non-black people go to tanning salons to make them selves darker, get Botox to make their lips bigger, and buy breast and butts to imitate our natural bodies. Everywhere you look you see black features being accentuated. It's disheartening that our features are only glorified after it's been a trend. Again, going back to black hair. Everyone wanted to wear CORNROLLS, after Kim Kardashian wore them and renamed them boxer braids. There were many people that didn't understand the outrage of the black community. When our culture is appropriated it hurts. Simply put: it's like turning a paper in to your teacher and getting an F for it. Then your white classmate turns in the exact same paper and gets an A. It's very upsetting. Before I learned that I have been fed lies about what should be considered beautiful, I was uncomfortable in my own skin..
In my childhood, I did not like the way I looked. I battled my self-loathing daily. My Father always taught me that Black was beautiful, and knowledge was power. Everyday, he would reiterate to me powerful statements about black people. However, once I went to school, watched TV, or listened to music, I received different messages. When I was in school, the dark skin girls did not get the same attention as the light skin girls. Even in elementary school, little boys knew that they were suppose to like light skin girls. They knew that when they grew up they wanted to marry and have kids with light skin blacks, Latinos, or whites. This would ensure their children would be born with good hair and fit into society's beauty standards. Consistently, it was illustrated to me that I was not in the defined standards of beauty. My hair was not good hair, my skin was too dark, and my lips were too big. Often, I would ask my father to shave the hair in my "kitchen", which is the hair in your nape. I didn't want to be teased for having "peas in my kitchen." I wanted my hair straighten, because I wanted to have good hair. And I wished I was light skinned because they received all the attention and were told they were pretty.
As I got older, the feelings I had only grew. I remember hanging out with my cousins on weekends and I being the darkest one.
Early in our teens, we would go to the key or to scream (Adolescent parties). We were at the age where we are beginning to like boys and wanted attention from them. After the party was over, boys would ask for the girls house numbers and ask to get to know them. All of my cousins would get asked for their number, except me. If I did, it would be because I was the only option left. It was a terrible feeling. I would wait on the sidelines, until they were finish talking with the boys who like them. I just knew that if I had been blessed with light skin I would get more attention and be considered pretty.
Additionally, during this age group we loved 106 and park. It allowed us to watch videos to our favorite songs. However, most of the videos featured a light skin girl as the main video model. Light skinned girls were the epitome of beauty in the eyes of society. Most songs talked about liking red-bone girls with long hair, or exotic women from places other than Africa. Even Caribbean women were looked at more favorably than Black American woman.
In high school, I remember a guy telling someone he doesn't date black girls because their hair doesn't move. The girl who was Latina, laughed at his audacity. The most biggest irony, is that he was black. His mother embodied all of the beauty standards that he claimed he didn't like. We have to question, how is this possible? How can we hate our physical features and still claim to love our families? For many people the lessons of color bias begin at home. Below is a few reasons that can attribute to the reason why:
Mis-education of god
Since Slavery, black people have been taught through Christianity (and other religions) that Jesus is white. They were taught to worship a man who looked nothing like them, who had blonde hair and blue eyes. It's been stated in articles that this depiction came about in the 15th century when an artist was hired by Pope Alexander, to paint images of biblical people as white. According to the website quora, the image of Jesus is actually a picture of the Pope's son Cesare Borgia. However, prior to multiple facades that depict Jesus as white, biblical people were known to be black. The bible discusses where Jesus was from and what he looked like, and through the illustration describe in the bible, it's impossible for Jesus to be white. Additionally, there are statues and monuments around the world that have gods with black features. Unfortunately, being taught that god doesn't look like you can encourage a person to hate themselves.
Media
The media plays one of the biggest roles in this scheme. For years, black women had the least appealing roles in shows and movies. They played secondary characters that had the same ghetto attitudes. Consequently, the black women who were able to obtain lead roles were mostly light skinned. In commercials, it was always white people or lighter skinned blacks that represented the standard Beauty. There has always been a promotion of European standards as the superior beauty in movies, shows, and commercials. When black children constantly see images that don't reflect their features being shown as beautiful, they start to believe they aren't beautiful. Some grow up, and pay to have their skinned lighten and their features changed, to fit in to the medias selected standard of beauty.
Stockholm syndrome
Stockholm syndrome is a psychological perception in which slaves express extreme sympathy and positive feelings toward their enslavers, to the point of defending and identifying with them, rather than their fellow hostages. During slavery, the house slaves were treated significantly better that the field slaves. Thus the house slaves were more inclined to love their masters and protect them. This same behavior can be witnessed in this modern day and age. The easiest example is entertainers.Whether it's an athlete or musician, you can find multiple black people who no longer identify with the trials of Black Americans. Being millionaires afford them the opportunity to be treated better than the average black american. This treatment causes them to believe that discrimination amongst Black people are not existent.A great example is Colin Kaepernick. There are many athletes who were against Colin Kaepernick's protest and didn't understand how he could identify with police brutality and injustice against the Black community. It wasn't until Trump shared his disgust with NFL owners, that other players and owners began to kneel as well.
Protection
Black people understand that it is pertinent to teach our kids rules that will protect them. Some of these rules include not talking back to the police, not making any sudden movements, and placing hands where they are visible. Although, we shouldn't have to take these drastic measures, we teach our kids because we want them to come home safely. When black people are hurt by police, we look for reasons to blame the victim. In the fatal shooting of Philando Castillo, subconsciousy we questioned, "Why did he reach for his wallet?" Why was he carrying a weapon? Even though it was his constitutional right, in an open carry state. We have been brainwashed to blame ourselves when we haven't done anything wrong, as a means of protection.
Colorism
Colorism can be defined as the prejudicial or preferential treatment of people of the same race based on their complexion or color. We are well aware that this practice stemmed from racism. Lighter skinned people have been given more privilege than darker skinned people. We have become so accustom to this reality that we participate in it. We compliment darkskin girls by telling them "you're pretty for a darkskin girl." As if dark skin girls are not expected to be pretty. We have some people who refuse to date dark skin people, in order to ensure their children aren't born with dark skin. We judge and discrimate against ourselves based on complexion.
It wasn't until my late teens and early twenties that I became self aware of my beauty and acknowledged the contributing factors, discussed above, that led to my self loathing. I finally realized that I had allowed other people to dictate how I felt about myself. I always knew that I saw beauty when I looked in the mirror, but I was discouraged because I thought no one else could see it. I also realized that some people will always follow the status quo and they only see my beauty through the eyes of society. Now that natural hair is popular, I get so many compliments on my hair. I had people who discouraged me from going natural, now asking me for advice to transition to natural hair. Those are the people who see me through the eyes of society. The ones who will give you compliments when your features are trending. Once Kylie Jenner got Botox, everyone wanted fuller lips. They even created devices that cut the circulation to your lips, to temporarily make them plump. Some of those people were the same ones who was teasing people about their big lips.
For centuries, its been indoctrinated in black people that we are less than we are. The biggest problem of all is that it is partially our fault. We have accepted and conformed to society's standard of beauty. Most of us are aware of the lies we have been fed through out history, but we still choose to indulge in it. We make fun of people who don't fit into those european standards of beauty. We tease people about their black features, and then get mad at them for changing it. For example, Lil kim clearly hated her black features. She changed her nose, has lighter skin and smaller lips. Kim didn't change her image for no reason. She did that because she's learned that her features were unattractive.Unfortunately black people solidify those beliefs. Plenty of times, I wished that I could change my physical appearance. I am grateful that I learned to love myself.
Furthermore, we have black people that hate themselves so much that they refuse to date in their own race. I have nothing against interracial couples. However, I am against black man who will tell you the only reason they date white women, is because they don't like black woman. These black men refuse to date black women, for reasons that have been taught to them. They have been taught that black women are loud and ghetto. They have been taught that black women are unattractive. That we have an "angry black women complex" and we are too independent. Ironically, they turn around and date women of other ethnicities who have the same qualities and name it something else. If a black man dates a white women who has an "attitude, they call it spunky. A Latino women with an attitude is Feisty. But, Black women don't get a cute little names. They're just called angry. We have to mitigate ALL of these false beliefs.
The way to ending this cycle of hatred, is to teach your children to love them selves. Teach them that what the media shows on television is not the epitome of beauty. Every morning I have my son say a morning manta: I am Black, I am Smart, I am handsome, and no one can stop me from being focused. I am trying to indoctrinate in him, all the things I second guessed about myself. Black people across the diaspora need to realize that we are beautiful, in all of our complexions. We need to reject what has been taught to us. Most of all, we need to realize that so many people want to be us. That's why they mimic our style, appropriate our culture, discriminate against us, kill us and encourage us to kill our selves. Its' because We are Beauty, We are Strength, We are Perseverance.
Thank your for reading. Comment your thoughts. As always you can email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com if you would like to contact me.
BLACK PEOPLE ARE A SELF HATING PEOPLE! This includes Latinx. Many Latinos love to believe that they are not black, but we have the same African roots. The difference is some of us were taken by the british and some were taken by the spaniards. However, I am digressing already. Black people illustrate the hate they have, when they pick a part their black counterparts. Black people will see success of other blacks and point out something wrong with in it. For Example, Gabrielle Douglas. First black female to win the all around individual gold medal. We should be proud and yet what did people do? Criticize her hair. Let's not talk about why hair is such a BIG deal to black people. Matter fact, let's go there.
When I first went natural, there were people who asked "how long would I be going through this phase?", or saying remarks like "I could not do that natural hair stuff. People were against the natural hair movement, citing things like it looks unkempt or it can't be worn professionally. This showed society's views of black features. How can something that grows from a persons head, be considered unprofessional?
Now that the natural hair movement has become a trend, millions of black women are transitioning to natural hair and companies are merchandising it. Years ago, natural haired black women had to make their own hair care products because the hair supply stores did not have great products for our hair. Once companies noticed they were losing money by not providing products that addressed the needs of the natural hair community, they started creating the products and began using our terminology. On every product you see phrases like, control your edges, manage your coils, maintain your curl pattern. Before big companies saw dollars signs on our head, they didn't give a damn about products for our hair. It's a shame that in 2017, we are just getting products that are healthy for our hair.
This type of behavior is nothing new to the black community. Our features, for centuries, have been made out to be ugly and/ or unattractive. Sadly, til this day those views are still indoctrinated in our culture and internalized in our beliefs. Unfortunately, one of the main reasons we have began to change some of those beliefs is because European beauty standards have changed, and white people have begun to love of features. And you know... when they like something of ours, they appropriate it and call it their own.
It's ironic that non-black people go to tanning salons to make them selves darker, get Botox to make their lips bigger, and buy breast and butts to imitate our natural bodies. Everywhere you look you see black features being accentuated. It's disheartening that our features are only glorified after it's been a trend. Again, going back to black hair. Everyone wanted to wear CORNROLLS, after Kim Kardashian wore them and renamed them boxer braids. There were many people that didn't understand the outrage of the black community. When our culture is appropriated it hurts. Simply put: it's like turning a paper in to your teacher and getting an F for it. Then your white classmate turns in the exact same paper and gets an A. It's very upsetting. Before I learned that I have been fed lies about what should be considered beautiful, I was uncomfortable in my own skin..
In my childhood, I did not like the way I looked. I battled my self-loathing daily. My Father always taught me that Black was beautiful, and knowledge was power. Everyday, he would reiterate to me powerful statements about black people. However, once I went to school, watched TV, or listened to music, I received different messages. When I was in school, the dark skin girls did not get the same attention as the light skin girls. Even in elementary school, little boys knew that they were suppose to like light skin girls. They knew that when they grew up they wanted to marry and have kids with light skin blacks, Latinos, or whites. This would ensure their children would be born with good hair and fit into society's beauty standards. Consistently, it was illustrated to me that I was not in the defined standards of beauty. My hair was not good hair, my skin was too dark, and my lips were too big. Often, I would ask my father to shave the hair in my "kitchen", which is the hair in your nape. I didn't want to be teased for having "peas in my kitchen." I wanted my hair straighten, because I wanted to have good hair. And I wished I was light skinned because they received all the attention and were told they were pretty.
As I got older, the feelings I had only grew. I remember hanging out with my cousins on weekends and I being the darkest one.
Early in our teens, we would go to the key or to scream (Adolescent parties). We were at the age where we are beginning to like boys and wanted attention from them. After the party was over, boys would ask for the girls house numbers and ask to get to know them. All of my cousins would get asked for their number, except me. If I did, it would be because I was the only option left. It was a terrible feeling. I would wait on the sidelines, until they were finish talking with the boys who like them. I just knew that if I had been blessed with light skin I would get more attention and be considered pretty.
Additionally, during this age group we loved 106 and park. It allowed us to watch videos to our favorite songs. However, most of the videos featured a light skin girl as the main video model. Light skinned girls were the epitome of beauty in the eyes of society. Most songs talked about liking red-bone girls with long hair, or exotic women from places other than Africa. Even Caribbean women were looked at more favorably than Black American woman.
In high school, I remember a guy telling someone he doesn't date black girls because their hair doesn't move. The girl who was Latina, laughed at his audacity. The most biggest irony, is that he was black. His mother embodied all of the beauty standards that he claimed he didn't like. We have to question, how is this possible? How can we hate our physical features and still claim to love our families? For many people the lessons of color bias begin at home. Below is a few reasons that can attribute to the reason why:
Mis-education of god
Since Slavery, black people have been taught through Christianity (and other religions) that Jesus is white. They were taught to worship a man who looked nothing like them, who had blonde hair and blue eyes. It's been stated in articles that this depiction came about in the 15th century when an artist was hired by Pope Alexander, to paint images of biblical people as white. According to the website quora, the image of Jesus is actually a picture of the Pope's son Cesare Borgia. However, prior to multiple facades that depict Jesus as white, biblical people were known to be black. The bible discusses where Jesus was from and what he looked like, and through the illustration describe in the bible, it's impossible for Jesus to be white. Additionally, there are statues and monuments around the world that have gods with black features. Unfortunately, being taught that god doesn't look like you can encourage a person to hate themselves.
Media
The media plays one of the biggest roles in this scheme. For years, black women had the least appealing roles in shows and movies. They played secondary characters that had the same ghetto attitudes. Consequently, the black women who were able to obtain lead roles were mostly light skinned. In commercials, it was always white people or lighter skinned blacks that represented the standard Beauty. There has always been a promotion of European standards as the superior beauty in movies, shows, and commercials. When black children constantly see images that don't reflect their features being shown as beautiful, they start to believe they aren't beautiful. Some grow up, and pay to have their skinned lighten and their features changed, to fit in to the medias selected standard of beauty.
Stockholm syndrome
Stockholm syndrome is a psychological perception in which slaves express extreme sympathy and positive feelings toward their enslavers, to the point of defending and identifying with them, rather than their fellow hostages. During slavery, the house slaves were treated significantly better that the field slaves. Thus the house slaves were more inclined to love their masters and protect them. This same behavior can be witnessed in this modern day and age. The easiest example is entertainers.Whether it's an athlete or musician, you can find multiple black people who no longer identify with the trials of Black Americans. Being millionaires afford them the opportunity to be treated better than the average black american. This treatment causes them to believe that discrimination amongst Black people are not existent.A great example is Colin Kaepernick. There are many athletes who were against Colin Kaepernick's protest and didn't understand how he could identify with police brutality and injustice against the Black community. It wasn't until Trump shared his disgust with NFL owners, that other players and owners began to kneel as well.
Protection
Black people understand that it is pertinent to teach our kids rules that will protect them. Some of these rules include not talking back to the police, not making any sudden movements, and placing hands where they are visible. Although, we shouldn't have to take these drastic measures, we teach our kids because we want them to come home safely. When black people are hurt by police, we look for reasons to blame the victim. In the fatal shooting of Philando Castillo, subconsciousy we questioned, "Why did he reach for his wallet?" Why was he carrying a weapon? Even though it was his constitutional right, in an open carry state. We have been brainwashed to blame ourselves when we haven't done anything wrong, as a means of protection.
Colorism
Colorism can be defined as the prejudicial or preferential treatment of people of the same race based on their complexion or color. We are well aware that this practice stemmed from racism. Lighter skinned people have been given more privilege than darker skinned people. We have become so accustom to this reality that we participate in it. We compliment darkskin girls by telling them "you're pretty for a darkskin girl." As if dark skin girls are not expected to be pretty. We have some people who refuse to date dark skin people, in order to ensure their children aren't born with dark skin. We judge and discrimate against ourselves based on complexion.
It wasn't until my late teens and early twenties that I became self aware of my beauty and acknowledged the contributing factors, discussed above, that led to my self loathing. I finally realized that I had allowed other people to dictate how I felt about myself. I always knew that I saw beauty when I looked in the mirror, but I was discouraged because I thought no one else could see it. I also realized that some people will always follow the status quo and they only see my beauty through the eyes of society. Now that natural hair is popular, I get so many compliments on my hair. I had people who discouraged me from going natural, now asking me for advice to transition to natural hair. Those are the people who see me through the eyes of society. The ones who will give you compliments when your features are trending. Once Kylie Jenner got Botox, everyone wanted fuller lips. They even created devices that cut the circulation to your lips, to temporarily make them plump. Some of those people were the same ones who was teasing people about their big lips.
For centuries, its been indoctrinated in black people that we are less than we are. The biggest problem of all is that it is partially our fault. We have accepted and conformed to society's standard of beauty. Most of us are aware of the lies we have been fed through out history, but we still choose to indulge in it. We make fun of people who don't fit into those european standards of beauty. We tease people about their black features, and then get mad at them for changing it. For example, Lil kim clearly hated her black features. She changed her nose, has lighter skin and smaller lips. Kim didn't change her image for no reason. She did that because she's learned that her features were unattractive.Unfortunately black people solidify those beliefs. Plenty of times, I wished that I could change my physical appearance. I am grateful that I learned to love myself.
Furthermore, we have black people that hate themselves so much that they refuse to date in their own race. I have nothing against interracial couples. However, I am against black man who will tell you the only reason they date white women, is because they don't like black woman. These black men refuse to date black women, for reasons that have been taught to them. They have been taught that black women are loud and ghetto. They have been taught that black women are unattractive. That we have an "angry black women complex" and we are too independent. Ironically, they turn around and date women of other ethnicities who have the same qualities and name it something else. If a black man dates a white women who has an "attitude, they call it spunky. A Latino women with an attitude is Feisty. But, Black women don't get a cute little names. They're just called angry. We have to mitigate ALL of these false beliefs.
The way to ending this cycle of hatred, is to teach your children to love them selves. Teach them that what the media shows on television is not the epitome of beauty. Every morning I have my son say a morning manta: I am Black, I am Smart, I am handsome, and no one can stop me from being focused. I am trying to indoctrinate in him, all the things I second guessed about myself. Black people across the diaspora need to realize that we are beautiful, in all of our complexions. We need to reject what has been taught to us. Most of all, we need to realize that so many people want to be us. That's why they mimic our style, appropriate our culture, discriminate against us, kill us and encourage us to kill our selves. Its' because We are Beauty, We are Strength, We are Perseverance.
Thank your for reading. Comment your thoughts. As always you can email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com if you would like to contact me.
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