I would never talk bad to my son about his absent Father.

Recently, I watched a video that made me very uncomfortable. The video consist of a mother explaining, to what appears to be a 3-year old child, that her father doesn't want her. I couldn't believe it. She posted the video, because apparently she believed that it was the right thing to do. I know that every parent raises their children differently, and for the most part, we raise them with the best intentions. However, I can't imagine what intentions this mother had explaining to a 3 year old, who can't really digest the feelings of abandonment. The younger part of our lives are when we began to develop self-esteem, self- confidence, and most importantly self-love. Explaining to a 3 year old that her father doesn't want her can be diminishing to a child's self-worth. In the video, the small girl began to cry. At this point, I turned the video off. Usually, I would attach the video that I am critiquing, but I really don't want the video to receive anymore attention.

I know being a single parent can be hard, and can cause a person to feel frustration or resentment towards the child's absent parent. However, I don't think this should encourage people to degrade the absent parent to the child. Children are more intuitive to what's going on then we believe, and eventually the child will understand on their own that their mother/father was an absentee parent. I believe in some cases that the custodial parent seeks to taint the image of the absent parent to the child. They want to encourage the child to despise the absent parent as much as they do. However, they shouldn't. Instead, they should try to ensure the child doesn't feel like they are the reason for the absence of the parent.

This situation is something that I have dealt with personally and I'm experiencing currently. My father raised me without my mother until I was 10 years old, he was a single parent. My father never once slandered her. He told me the truth about her absence, but he never tried to encourage me to hate her. However, I'll digress. my childhood history will be a blog of it's own. Now, unfortunately, I am raising my son as a single parent. That's why this post isn't focused on deadbeat Dad's because I know that the title deadbeat isn't exclusive to men. Many people like to pretend it is, but it isn't. In both of my personal situations, hatred of the absent parent was not taught.

When my father was raising me as a single parent, he never tried to encourage me to hate my mother. Before she returned, I often wondered why she didn't want to be in my life. My Father taught me to understand her absence. When I was young my mother was battling an addiction to drugs. It caused her to lose custody of all her children. My Father always told me that my mother loved me, she just had to find the strength to fight off the addiction. As a child it saddened me at times, that I didn't have a relationship with my mother. I envied the children who got picked up from school by their mothers. However, it was in my teen years I saw the irony of me envying the kids who had their mom, while they were wishing to know their dad. I had my Dad who had always been there. I learned that I didn't miss out on much. Furthermore, I had my Grandmother Connie and Aunt Cherlyn who filled the maternal role that I may have been missing. When my mom returned back in my life at the age of 10, I didn't harbor any resentment against her. It allowed me to rebuild a relationship with my mother, without her having to break down multiple walls first.

Sometimes I actually laugh at how ironic it is that I am now the single parent. Til this day, I dont harbor any resentment towards my child's father. I just can't understand how he can go months with out seeing his son. Especially, when he was always involved, when our son was younger. When my son was 3 years old, his father got arrested for stupidity (of his own accord). He served 5 years in prison. I ensured my son continued to have a relationship with his father through visits and phone calls. Once he was released, he continued to be an involved Father. However, after about a year his visits started becoming sporadic. When I asked him for an answer on why, he would state it was his depression, and not having a job. He claimed he wanted to be able to take our son out instead of always being in the house. Which to me is not excusable. After missing 5 years of your sons life, you should want to see him regardless of if you can take him places. However, me being the helpful soul that I am (and if you know me personally you know I will help people with my last) I started helping financially so he would see my son more frequently. I bought him a metro card and gave him money to take my son places (i.e. the movies, arcade).

Eventually, the visits began to falter again. His father would say he was coming to pick him up and not show up, he stopped answering calls, and eventually disappeared.  After all of this, I have still contemplated whether or not I should call my son's father a deadbeat. I've never wanted to cause him embarrassment or wanted people to think I was seeking attention, but the truth of the matter is my son hasn't seen his father since September of 2017. Before September, the last time he seen him was in July. Before July, It was March 31, on my son's birthday. However, up until recent if you talk to my son, he wouldn't have a negative thing to say about his father. When he asks about his father's absence, I give him honest answers. He asks, why he doesn't come see him, I tell him, "I don't know." Which is true, I don't know why he doesn't come around. However, I always follow up by telling him, I know his father loves him and he may just be going through something right now.

Recently, My son and I were driving home and he stated to me that a friend of mine asked him "How's your Dad?" and he responded "Who's that, I don't know who that is?" I was shocked. This was his own admission. AND EVEN THEN, I reassured him about his Father. I explained to him that it was okay for him to express feelings of frustration and resentment about his Father's absence, but he didn't have to act like he didn't know him. Furthermore, I reiterated that his father maybe battling depression and other issues in life where he has to battle them alone. At this point he began to cry, he was confused on how he should feel. I comforted him, and explained that although he misses his Dad, he has ALWAYS had a father. MY FATHER, his grandfather. His grandfather has been there since day one. His grandfather taught him how to ride a bike, how to box, about girls, about Islam and Mathematics, and any other thing a father would teach his son. My son agreed and stopped crying. Since then, we rarely speak about his Father. He brings him up from time to time, if he's talking about a time when his father was around, but not about his absence. I'm not sure if my son just accepts his absence or doesn't care anymore. Either way, he made that decision on his own.


I can't tell anyone how to raise their kids. I am not licensed in behavioral development, I haven't studied the effects on children who are taught to hate the absent parent, and I can admit I am not a perfect mother. However, I can speak from personal experience and what I have witnessed. I believe that you shouldn't talk bad about the absent parent to the child. It does more bad then good. Honestly, I don't see what good could come from it. The child could grow up to think you're the reason for the other parents absence due to your bitterness. They can internalize the absence and blame themselves.  As a parent you must ensure that the child doesn't blame themselves. Children begin to develop their own feelings about situations by themselves. They don't need to be coerced into feeling a type of way. Referring back to the video, where the mother was explaining to the 3 year old her father didn't want her, I personally believe that was for personal gain. The mother was mad at the dad, and she wanted the daughter to be mad as well. However, the child was 3 and was too young for any conversation of that nature. Please, think about your children, ALWAYS do what's best for them, not what's best for you. My Father teaching me to understand my mother's absence, helped me to embrace her presence when she came back around. She was able to explain to me what she was going through and we were able to build a relationship. I am hoping, if/when my son's father gets his life together my son will give him a chance to rebuild their relationship, too. If my child's father called me today, after not seeing him for a year I would let him. I would never deny him visitation. It's my son's choice whether he wants to see him or not. It's my son's choice whether to feel anger or resentment towards his father. The feeling will be developed on his own, NOT because I have encouraged him. I believe all parents should do the same.


Please, like and follow my blog. If there's a topic you would like me to touch on, email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com

Are you a bitter baby mama?

Are you a bitter baby mama? Ask any mother this question and each and everyone of them will deny it. For many mothers, the answer could be the truth. They may have no resentment or ill feelings toward the father of their child/children. However, there are some mothers who are bitter and use the child as a pawn to hurt the child's father.

For some reason some mothers are proud to be a part of the "Bitter Baby Mama" club, even though they will deny their membership. They feel the title gives them a sense of empowerment. They believe that they will always have a sufficient place in their child's father's life. This can be considered true because the parents of a child will have to interact and co-parent for the rest of their lives, however this is not the sense of entitlement that they believe having a child affords them. Some mothers believe that having a child entitles them to act a dayum fool. Although, there are many factors we could analyze to determine whether a mother can be considered a bitter baby mama, I've reduced it to 3: Control, Complaints, and Concerns. And I'll use an example, to illustrate the points.

I have a friend, let's call him Mystery, who got a young lady pregnant that he wasn't in a relationship with. The young lady, who we'll name Jasmine, informed him from the beginning she wanted to keep the baby. They decided to face their responsibly and co-parent the child. However, from that moment Jasmine insisted that she and Mystery should try a relationship for the benefit of their child. Mystery made it clear that he didn't want a relationship with her. Two months before she found out she was pregnant, they had actually stopped talking. Based on the brief relationship they had, Mystery felt that they were not compatible. Throughout the remaining months of pregnancy, Jasmine continued to ask about a relationship. Once she began to realize that even a baby wouldn't ignite a relationship between them, she started to use the pregnancy as a pawn to CONTROL him.

Often she would make sudden and ridiculous request, and tell him it was a "test" to determine if he would be a good father. One time she lied and said she was in labor and about to have the baby. She did it to see how fast he would coming running to her aid. The pregnancy was filled with faux, hoax, and lies to appease the hurt she felt knowing that even a baby would not force him to be in a relationship with her.

Once the baby was born, it only got worse. She would designate times that he could see his child outside of her presence. If she wasn't present he could only keep his child for an hour or so. He was never able to keep the baby for an entire night. She would opt to come get the baby, who was less than a month old, at 2am instead of letting the baby spend the night with his father. He didn't have a choice in the baby's name, when he could spend time with the baby, or selecting childcare. Jasmine controlled all aspects of the baby's life and expected Mystery to accept her choices. If he didn't she would tell him, he wasn't a good father. She would make COMPLAINTS that Mystery wasn't committed to co-parenting.

Jasmine would complain when Mystery didn't fully agree with her choices. Using the example about picking the baby up at 2am, when Mystery told Jasmine he wouldn't take the baby if she was going to pick him up at 2 am because it was unsafe, she called him a deadbeat. Picking up a infant at 2am, after you have been partying and drinking is unsafe, and was a responsible call on the father's part. However, that didn't matter to her. She allowed her bitterness to cloud her judgement and her CONCERNS.

Daily, Jasmine would direct her concerns to Mystery's personal life. She would ask if he was still dating his new girlfriend, his whereabouts, and occasionally ask him for sex. Since the answers weren't what she wanted to hear, she would block his number for 2 or 3 days, or deny him visitation with his child. Eventually, she began to start threatening him with child support, even though he was taking care of his child. On the contrary, he welcomed the idea because it meant that he could get court ordered visitation. Eventually, that's exactly what happened and all of it worked out in his favor.

I share this story because it's many women out there who may still be in love with the child's father, have bitterness, or hold some type of resentment towards him. However, your child's livelihood SHOULD be the most important aspect of your parenthood. Both parents can provide a well rounded child hood, if they co-parent. This is severely needed in the black community. If you are harboring resentment toward your child's father, LET IT GO. Clearly, resentment is preventing you from being the BEST parent to your child. The anger is not only affecting the father, it's affecting you and your child. Be real with yourself, and ask "are you creating a barrier that prevents a GOOD FATHER from seeing his child/children?"Are you excessively controlling? Are your complaints fabricated? Are your concerns misplaced? If the answer is yes, in any capacity, then you need to evaluate how you can change for the benefit of the child/children and for yourself. "It is only when a wound is left untreated that it becomes infected." Let go of the resentment and allow yourself to heal.



Thank you for reading!!! Comment and/or email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com.
  

Did Cardi B stay because she's dickmatized by Offset?

The last blog I posted was entitled Dickmatized. If you haven’t read it, I suggest you do. Therefore, you can fully understand some of the things that will be stated in this blog. I described the 3 elements that will determine whether a person is dickmatized over their spouse. Before I utilize the 3 elements to determine if Cardi B is dickmatized over Offset, I will give some pretext to the situation.

Cardi B, who's real name is Belcalis Almanzar, is a newly famed rapper in the hip-hop industry. She debuted in the reality show Love and Hip-hop New york. Since her appearance on the show she has gained millions of fans and became a household name. I can admit that I myself am a fan, and am rooting for her continued success. On July 16, 2016, Cardi released her first single under a major record label titled “Bodak Yellow”. This single took her to the top of the charts, and she became the second female artist in history to reach number 1 on the Billboard top 100, without any features. Additionally, she was featured on a couple of other hit singles and released another single titled Bartier Cardi.

On top of that, she began dating her current boyfriend Offset from the Migos. After months of dating, Offset proposed to Cardi at the powerhouse 99 in philly. Cardi accepted the proposal and the couple seemed to be moving in a great direction in their relationship. Unfortunately, in December their relationship was caught in the middle of a scandal. Someone hacked into Offset's icloud account and released a video of a naked women in a hotel room with Offset. Of course the news spread like wildfire and everyone wanted to know would Cardi leave the relationship. Eventually we got the answer. Cardi B stated on her instagram, in a reply to a commenter, "Well if people are talking about it and keep asking me how I feel about the situation why not let them know? Right or wrong? No it's not right for a nikka to cheat...But what you want me to do? Go f--- me another nikka? Start all over again and get cheated on again? This shit happens to everyone. People handle they relationship different soo."

After this revelation, friends asked me if Cardi, by my definition, was dickmatized. First, let's go over the criteria. The elements of dickmatization include time, behavior, and reciprocation. 

As stated previously, time is a key factor in determining whether someone is dickmatized. The shorter the amount of time you have been dealing with someone, the more likely you are dickmatized. Cardi and Offset have only been dating for 11 months. They got engaged after 8 months of dating. I know people believe love doesn't have constraints or time frames, but after 1-2 years of dating the honeymoon phase wears off and you begin to really meet your spouse. When you first starting dating someone, you are not meeting the true person, you're meeting their representative. Almost every relationship I've had, when I ask about why their previous relationship didn't work out, they blame it on the other person. They aren't going to tell you they cheated through the entire relationship, abused the person, or that they lose interest fast. They're not gonna tell you that they are extremely insecure, need access to all your social media accounts and the password to your phone to believe you're not cheating on them. They are going to offer you the best version of themselves to encourage you to like them. This mask doesn't come off until after about a year when you start to get comfortable with the person. Cardi and Offset haven't gotten past the honeymoon stage. If you are willing to accept cheating, or any other deal breaking behavior in your relationship, and you haven't been dating over a year, you may be dickmatized.

The next element is behavior. I can't go into too much detail because we only see what they allow us to see. We only see videos of them being happy, when they are on Instagram or Facebook live. We don't know their behaviors behind close doors. The type of behavior that shows a person is whipped, usually consist of a drug addict. They need their spouse at all cost and are willing to do anything to keep the relationship. Cardi's response to the cheating, stating "No it's not right for a nikka to cheat...But what you want me to do?" illustrates that in some depth of her mind this may be acceptable. It's like she's saying, I might as well except him cheating on me, because the next guy will too. It's actually disheartening if she thinks there are no faithful men in the world. In my opinion, Cardi's behavior doesn't shows she's dickmatized. I don't think that her behavior shows that she is making excusing for sticking by his side. She's admitting the cheating is wrong, however she is accepting it. This attitude actually shows that she may be a little insecure in herself to believe that she cant attract a man that won't cheat on her. This is something that would have been affecting her before her relationship with Offset. On another note: If Offset was cheating on Cardi in September, then proposed to her in October, it makes me wonder was the engagement a sentiment to get back in Cardi good graces? Was he trying to tell her it would never happen again? If so, that's foolish. Marriage doesn't stop a person from cheating.

The final element is reciprocation. A relationship should be blanketed with love, affection, attention, and intimacy that is reciprocated. As the saying goes, love is a two way street. Are you getting back from your spouse what you're dishing out? Again, we can't be too sure with celebrities because for the most part we only see what they show us. From what we see on their social media accounts, they show each other the same type of love, attention, and affection. However, offset didn't reciprocate being faithful. He decided to step out on the relationship. This behavior shows a lack of respect in the relationship. By this standard, Cardi can be considered dickmatized.

Based on this summation, Cardi can be considered a little dickmatized. However, Cardi may also be a little infatuated, and a little uncomfortable under the new limelight. Remember, dickmatized can be defined as a person being obsessed with dick. This obsession causes a person to do things that they wouldn't usually do. They become irrational and although everyone else can see that they are whipped, they can not. In my opinion, Cardi does not fit all these standards. As I stated before, I think Cardi may actually believe that all men are cheaters. If she believes that, then the reason she decided to stay has nothing to do with Offsets dick. It's attributed to her belief that any man she dates will cheat. Furthermore, She may see her relationship and engagement as part of her accomplishments. And losing this accomplishment, would signal loss in her career and fame.

I'm not mad that Cardi decided to stay in her relationship. It's her life to live and her decision to make. Maybe Offset learned his lesson, maybe they made a conscience decision to try one more time. I have stayed in 2 relationships, where I was cheated on. One relationship, I was dickmatized and one where I prayed it would work for the sake of my son. I decided to stay and it was solely my choice when i decided to leave. Cardi shouldn't be pressured to make a decision based on her fans. I just think fans were a little disappointed that Cardi didn't dump Offset because they wanted her to be true her "Bodak Yellow" lyrics: "And im quick to cut a n**** off so don't get comfortable."

Thanks for reading. Please, share, comment, and follow.