The spouse who always thinks you're cheating

I have a friend, lets call him Langston, who has a girlfriend who always thinks he is cheating. It doesn't matter what he's doing, she doesn't believe it. Langston could be going to a family event, hanging out with his friends, or working overtime. However, in her mind that all equates to cheating. Anytime he is not in her presence, she thinks he must be with another girl. He asked me what do I think he should do, because it's starting to get annoying. I explained to him, before I can tell him an answer, we need to know the root cause of her insecurity. Once you understand where her fear of infidelity comes from, then you will know how to resolve the issue.

There are various reasons why a woman or man has insecurities about infidelity. These reasons include: History, Behavior, Projection, and Control.

History
History is one of the biggest reasons a person has insecurities. If a person has been cheated on in a previous relationship or in their current relationship, they are going to have doubts about their spouse being faithful. This is especially true if it happened in the current relationship. If a person is cheated on in their relationship, then the insecurity is justifiable. However, if the person decides to stay in the relationship, they have to agree to accept this reality and move forward. If you know that you are never going to be able to trust that person, you might as well break up.

Behavior
A change in behavior can be disturbing to a partner if they don't understand it. If a person becomes  distant, or a person is constantly checking their phone, or some other new behavior, it may cause their spouse to have insecurities. The new behavior may lead your spouse to believe that you are losing interest or have taken interest in some new.

Projection
A spouse can be consistently accusing you of cheating because they are cheating themselves. The point is to either convince themselves that they have a reason to cheat or throw you off so you don't realize that they are cheating. They can also be thinking about potentially cheating and looking for a reason to do it. If they convince themselves that their spouse is doing it, it makes it easier for them to do it.

Control
Some people use their "insecurity" as a means of control. Let's go back to Langston. Since he knows his girlfriend is insecure, he doesn't go out with friends as much, he ensures that he calls her often when he has to work late or is not in her presence. Some people use that to control their spouses lives. She's going to continue to accuse him of cheating because she knows that he will curtail his plans to avoid an argument with her. This knowledge is used as a means of control.

Now that we know the causes of insecurities, we can address how to resolve them.

History
A person who is cheated on, doesn't want to hear it was a mistake. Cheating is never a mistake, it is a choice. In order for a spouse to start trusting you again, you have to have a truthful discussion about the cheating. Any question that is asked,you must answer truthfully. Many people who have cheated, try to apologize and promise it wont happen again, to rush the conversation. Many people know that the details will either push their spouse further away, or hurt them even more. However, the details are very important if you want to move forward. If all the details are not given to your spouse during the first conversation, every time they learn a new detail it will be like reliving the experience again. It will reopen old wounds and they will begin to question your loyalty again. Additionally, there are some people who will internalize the infidelity and blame themselves. Some may think they weren't good enough, or that it was something they lacked which caused the cheating. If a person blames their self for their spouses cheating, it can diminish their self worth. They may believe that they are not good enough to prevent their spouse from cheating. This is why it's crucial to have a truthful conversation about the cheating incident. Don't allow your spouse to suffer for your infidelities, let them know that it was your poor decision making that lead to your cheating, or that you weren't ready for commitment.

I remember watching an episode of marriage boot camp, and one of the wives continuously brought up the fact that her husband cheated on her with a girl from the gym. Every time she brought it up, the husband got mad and stormed off. When he spoke about why it makes him mad, he stated he just wanted her to get over it. However, she couldn't get over it because they never really discussed it. He expected her to just get over it, and accept his apology, without truly discussing it. The wife wasn't able to let it go, until they discussed it and she could accept the reasons he cheated. If the cheating did stem from a issue in the relationship, she needs to know that you will look towards each other for the answer, not else where.

If the insecurities are due to a previous relationship, then you can attempt to ensure your spouse that you are not their ex, and you don't need to pay for some one else mistakes. If they still continue to show that they are not over their ex, then maybe the relationship should be paused. Maybe the person who has the insecurities needs time to heal before they can move on to another relationship.

Behavior
If you are aware that you have been acting differently in your relationship, address this change. The change could be from outside factors should as work, or depression. Share with your spouse the reasons for the recent behavioral changes. Maybe they can help with the issues you are facing. That's what your spouse is for. If your behavior changes are due to infidelity, than you need to think about if you want to be with your current spouse. Clearly, your spouse notices the behavioral changes, which has led to their insecurity. If you don't want to be in an committed relationship, let your spouse know. Allow them to make the decision whether they want to stay under those circumstances.

Projection
It's hard to determine whether a person is projecting. However, If you know you're doing everything right and you're faithful, and you go to the extreme to prove it, then this may be proof that they are projecting. If you have given them the password to your phone and social media, and constantly the things they ask to prove your loyalty, and it still isn't enough it may mean they are projecting their cheating on to you. They feel like if they are cheating, you have to be cheating, too. Some people don't have the gumption to break up with someone, and actually hope that they get caught cheating. Either way, if your spouse continues to accuse you of cheating, maybe you don't need to be in that relationship.

Control
This one is clear cut. If your spouse is using their insecurity to control your life, then you need to let them go. If you find that you're reluctant to go out, or do things that make you happy, in order to avoid confrontation with your spouse, your spouse may be attempting to control your life. It's a person's choice whether they want to remain in an unhealthy relationship, however I would encourage a person not to remain in a relationship with a person who seeks to control them.

After I explained this, Langston revealed that he believed it was a combination of history and control. He stated that she was cheated on in her previous relationship, which did cause her to have insecurities. However, he believed that she also used it as a means to control him. She knew that he would think twice before he made plans to go out with his friends or to even hang out with family. He needed to have a conversation with her to discuss her insecurities and learning to trust him. If she didn't trust him and couldn't trust him in his absences then they couldn't be together.

In my opinion, there are many reasons that lead to insecurities. These insecurities can ruin a relationship, whether they are valid or not. If you believe that your spouse has insecurities, try to find the root causes. Use the reason for the insecurity to determine if it's plausible to resolve the issues. If it is plausible, fix it. Work with your spouse to address your problems and help each other to trust. Communicate and reassure each other. However, if the root causes show that it is something that can not be fixed, move on from it. Don't continue to keep trying to make someone trust you, who may never do so.