Recently, I watched a video that made me very uncomfortable. The video consist of a mother explaining, to what appears to be a 3-year old child, that her father doesn't want her. I couldn't believe it. She posted the video, because apparently she believed that it was the right thing to do. I know that every parent raises their children differently, and for the most part, we raise them with the best intentions. However, I can't imagine what intentions this mother had explaining to a 3 year old, who can't really digest the feelings of abandonment. The younger part of our lives are when we began to develop self-esteem, self- confidence, and most importantly self-love. Explaining to a 3 year old that her father doesn't want her can be diminishing to a child's self-worth. In the video, the small girl began to cry. At this point, I turned the video off. Usually, I would attach the video that I am critiquing, but I really don't want the video to receive anymore attention.
I know being a single parent can be hard, and can cause a person to feel frustration or resentment towards the child's absent parent. However, I don't think this should encourage people to degrade the absent parent to the child. Children are more intuitive to what's going on then we believe, and eventually the child will understand on their own that their mother/father was an absentee parent. I believe in some cases that the custodial parent seeks to taint the image of the absent parent to the child. They want to encourage the child to despise the absent parent as much as they do. However, they shouldn't. Instead, they should try to ensure the child doesn't feel like they are the reason for the absence of the parent.
This situation is something that I have dealt with personally and I'm experiencing currently. My father raised me without my mother until I was 10 years old, he was a single parent. My father never once slandered her. He told me the truth about her absence, but he never tried to encourage me to hate her. However, I'll digress. my childhood history will be a blog of it's own. Now, unfortunately, I am raising my son as a single parent. That's why this post isn't focused on deadbeat Dad's because I know that the title deadbeat isn't exclusive to men. Many people like to pretend it is, but it isn't. In both of my personal situations, hatred of the absent parent was not taught.
When my father was raising me as a single parent, he never tried to encourage me to hate my mother. Before she returned, I often wondered why she didn't want to be in my life. My Father taught me to understand her absence. When I was young my mother was battling an addiction to drugs. It caused her to lose custody of all her children. My Father always told me that my mother loved me, she just had to find the strength to fight off the addiction. As a child it saddened me at times, that I didn't have a relationship with my mother. I envied the children who got picked up from school by their mothers. However, it was in my teen years I saw the irony of me envying the kids who had their mom, while they were wishing to know their dad. I had my Dad who had always been there. I learned that I didn't miss out on much. Furthermore, I had my Grandmother Connie and Aunt Cherlyn who filled the maternal role that I may have been missing. When my mom returned back in my life at the age of 10, I didn't harbor any resentment against her. It allowed me to rebuild a relationship with my mother, without her having to break down multiple walls first.
Sometimes I actually laugh at how ironic it is that I am now the single parent. Til this day, I dont harbor any resentment towards my child's father. I just can't understand how he can go months with out seeing his son. Especially, when he was always involved, when our son was younger. When my son was 3 years old, his father got arrested for stupidity (of his own accord). He served 5 years in prison. I ensured my son continued to have a relationship with his father through visits and phone calls. Once he was released, he continued to be an involved Father. However, after about a year his visits started becoming sporadic. When I asked him for an answer on why, he would state it was his depression, and not having a job. He claimed he wanted to be able to take our son out instead of always being in the house. Which to me is not excusable. After missing 5 years of your sons life, you should want to see him regardless of if you can take him places. However, me being the helpful soul that I am (and if you know me personally you know I will help people with my last) I started helping financially so he would see my son more frequently. I bought him a metro card and gave him money to take my son places (i.e. the movies, arcade).
Eventually, the visits began to falter again. His father would say he was coming to pick him up and not show up, he stopped answering calls, and eventually disappeared. After all of this, I have still contemplated whether or not I should call my son's father a deadbeat. I've never wanted to cause him embarrassment or wanted people to think I was seeking attention, but the truth of the matter is my son hasn't seen his father since September of 2017. Before September, the last time he seen him was in July. Before July, It was March 31, on my son's birthday. However, up until recent if you talk to my son, he wouldn't have a negative thing to say about his father. When he asks about his father's absence, I give him honest answers. He asks, why he doesn't come see him, I tell him, "I don't know." Which is true, I don't know why he doesn't come around. However, I always follow up by telling him, I know his father loves him and he may just be going through something right now.
Recently, My son and I were driving home and he stated to me that a friend of mine asked him "How's your Dad?" and he responded "Who's that, I don't know who that is?" I was shocked. This was his own admission. AND EVEN THEN, I reassured him about his Father. I explained to him that it was okay for him to express feelings of frustration and resentment about his Father's absence, but he didn't have to act like he didn't know him. Furthermore, I reiterated that his father maybe battling depression and other issues in life where he has to battle them alone. At this point he began to cry, he was confused on how he should feel. I comforted him, and explained that although he misses his Dad, he has ALWAYS had a father. MY FATHER, his grandfather. His grandfather has been there since day one. His grandfather taught him how to ride a bike, how to box, about girls, about Islam and Mathematics, and any other thing a father would teach his son. My son agreed and stopped crying. Since then, we rarely speak about his Father. He brings him up from time to time, if he's talking about a time when his father was around, but not about his absence. I'm not sure if my son just accepts his absence or doesn't care anymore. Either way, he made that decision on his own.
I can't tell anyone how to raise their kids. I am not licensed in behavioral development, I haven't studied the effects on children who are taught to hate the absent parent, and I can admit I am not a perfect mother. However, I can speak from personal experience and what I have witnessed. I believe that you shouldn't talk bad about the absent parent to the child. It does more bad then good. Honestly, I don't see what good could come from it. The child could grow up to think you're the reason for the other parents absence due to your bitterness. They can internalize the absence and blame themselves. As a parent you must ensure that the child doesn't blame themselves. Children begin to develop their own feelings about situations by themselves. They don't need to be coerced into feeling a type of way. Referring back to the video, where the mother was explaining to the 3 year old her father didn't want her, I personally believe that was for personal gain. The mother was mad at the dad, and she wanted the daughter to be mad as well. However, the child was 3 and was too young for any conversation of that nature. Please, think about your children, ALWAYS do what's best for them, not what's best for you. My Father teaching me to understand my mother's absence, helped me to embrace her presence when she came back around. She was able to explain to me what she was going through and we were able to build a relationship. I am hoping, if/when my son's father gets his life together my son will give him a chance to rebuild their relationship, too. If my child's father called me today, after not seeing him for a year I would let him. I would never deny him visitation. It's my son's choice whether he wants to see him or not. It's my son's choice whether to feel anger or resentment towards his father. The feeling will be developed on his own, NOT because I have encouraged him. I believe all parents should do the same.
Please, like and follow my blog. If there's a topic you would like me to touch on, email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com
