Are you a bitter baby mama?

Are you a bitter baby mama? Ask any mother this question and each and everyone of them will deny it. For many mothers, the answer could be the truth. They may have no resentment or ill feelings toward the father of their child/children. However, there are some mothers who are bitter and use the child as a pawn to hurt the child's father.

For some reason some mothers are proud to be a part of the "Bitter Baby Mama" club, even though they will deny their membership. They feel the title gives them a sense of empowerment. They believe that they will always have a sufficient place in their child's father's life. This can be considered true because the parents of a child will have to interact and co-parent for the rest of their lives, however this is not the sense of entitlement that they believe having a child affords them. Some mothers believe that having a child entitles them to act a dayum fool. Although, there are many factors we could analyze to determine whether a mother can be considered a bitter baby mama, I've reduced it to 3: Control, Complaints, and Concerns. And I'll use an example, to illustrate the points.

I have a friend, let's call him Mystery, who got a young lady pregnant that he wasn't in a relationship with. The young lady, who we'll name Jasmine, informed him from the beginning she wanted to keep the baby. They decided to face their responsibly and co-parent the child. However, from that moment Jasmine insisted that she and Mystery should try a relationship for the benefit of their child. Mystery made it clear that he didn't want a relationship with her. Two months before she found out she was pregnant, they had actually stopped talking. Based on the brief relationship they had, Mystery felt that they were not compatible. Throughout the remaining months of pregnancy, Jasmine continued to ask about a relationship. Once she began to realize that even a baby wouldn't ignite a relationship between them, she started to use the pregnancy as a pawn to CONTROL him.

Often she would make sudden and ridiculous request, and tell him it was a "test" to determine if he would be a good father. One time she lied and said she was in labor and about to have the baby. She did it to see how fast he would coming running to her aid. The pregnancy was filled with faux, hoax, and lies to appease the hurt she felt knowing that even a baby would not force him to be in a relationship with her.

Once the baby was born, it only got worse. She would designate times that he could see his child outside of her presence. If she wasn't present he could only keep his child for an hour or so. He was never able to keep the baby for an entire night. She would opt to come get the baby, who was less than a month old, at 2am instead of letting the baby spend the night with his father. He didn't have a choice in the baby's name, when he could spend time with the baby, or selecting childcare. Jasmine controlled all aspects of the baby's life and expected Mystery to accept her choices. If he didn't she would tell him, he wasn't a good father. She would make COMPLAINTS that Mystery wasn't committed to co-parenting.

Jasmine would complain when Mystery didn't fully agree with her choices. Using the example about picking the baby up at 2am, when Mystery told Jasmine he wouldn't take the baby if she was going to pick him up at 2 am because it was unsafe, she called him a deadbeat. Picking up a infant at 2am, after you have been partying and drinking is unsafe, and was a responsible call on the father's part. However, that didn't matter to her. She allowed her bitterness to cloud her judgement and her CONCERNS.

Daily, Jasmine would direct her concerns to Mystery's personal life. She would ask if he was still dating his new girlfriend, his whereabouts, and occasionally ask him for sex. Since the answers weren't what she wanted to hear, she would block his number for 2 or 3 days, or deny him visitation with his child. Eventually, she began to start threatening him with child support, even though he was taking care of his child. On the contrary, he welcomed the idea because it meant that he could get court ordered visitation. Eventually, that's exactly what happened and all of it worked out in his favor.

I share this story because it's many women out there who may still be in love with the child's father, have bitterness, or hold some type of resentment towards him. However, your child's livelihood SHOULD be the most important aspect of your parenthood. Both parents can provide a well rounded child hood, if they co-parent. This is severely needed in the black community. If you are harboring resentment toward your child's father, LET IT GO. Clearly, resentment is preventing you from being the BEST parent to your child. The anger is not only affecting the father, it's affecting you and your child. Be real with yourself, and ask "are you creating a barrier that prevents a GOOD FATHER from seeing his child/children?"Are you excessively controlling? Are your complaints fabricated? Are your concerns misplaced? If the answer is yes, in any capacity, then you need to evaluate how you can change for the benefit of the child/children and for yourself. "It is only when a wound is left untreated that it becomes infected." Let go of the resentment and allow yourself to heal.



Thank you for reading!!! Comment and/or email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com.
  

Ciara, Russell Wilson..... and Future

Over the past year Ciara, Russell Wilson, and Future have been the topic of conversation. This conversation has revealed many issues within the community. As always, I will give you the details about the situation, so you can fully understand my blog.

In the beginning of 2013, Future and Ciara began dating, or decided to reveal to the world that they have been dating. Either way we learned about their relationship in January of 2013. The relationship appeared to be going well. In October of 2013, Future decides he wants to spend his life with Ciara and proposes. In January of 2014, Ciara reveals that she is pregnant with baby Future. Unfortunately, the relationship started to take a turn for the worse. Three months after Ciara gives birth to Baby Future, she finds out that Future has been cheating on her with a stylist named Tyrina Lee. Ciara breaks off the engagement with Future and moves on with her life. In January 2015, she releases one of my favorite singles "I Bet", which is said to have been about Future. The lyrics point to a lot of similarities in their relationship. 

Shortly after the break-up, Ciara began dating Russell Wilson in March 2015. Immediately after, it seemed that Future was bothered that Ciara was moving on. Although, he stated that he wanted Ciara to be happy, he made it clear that he did not want Russell involved with caring for his son. He also went on to state that Ciara was using the baby to gain publicity. I believe that Future was using his son in an attempt to control Ciara's new relationship. Future continued to speak out about his feeling for Ciara, or against her, rather. Ciara, in response, filed a defamation lawsuit. This resulted in Future inciting a custody battle. None of this deterred Russell, from pursuing a relationship with Ciara and eventually proposing to her. In the end, Both Ciara and Future dropped their defamation lawsuits. Additionally, no one received full custody of baby future. They share joint custody, although Baby Future spends most of the time with mom. 

Of course social media, shared their opinions about this situation. Many people placed the blame on Ciara. They defended Future, and agreed that Ciara moved on too quickly. People negated the fact that Future cheated on Ciara. They also agreed that Russell was too involved in Baby Future's life. Many Fathers stated that Russell was over stepping boundaries, and Ciara was a culprit for allowing him to do it. This relationship of turmoil has revealed detrimental issues with in the community and society. It has revealed the double standards that women face, it shows how men seek to control the lives of women, and it shows extreme hypocrisy of men.

Double Standards 

Unfortunately, I have discussed this many times before. In society, women are still not allowed to do things that men do. Aside from Future, social media labeled Ciara a hoe as soon as she started dating Russell Wilson. Men and women were criticizing her choice to begin dating again, so soon. For some reason, there was a predetermined time standard she was suppose to adhere by, before she could date again. Why? To protect Future's feelings? If the roles were reversed, and Future popped up with a girlfriend in the same amount of time, would he have been criticized? The answer is no. I'm sure Future went on to start seeing other women, he just did it out of public sight. However, Future would not have been looked at any differently. Furthermore, Ciara and Russell abstained from sex until they were married. Yet, she was still labeled a hoe. In order for social media to prove that Ciara was a hoe, they began to bring up the fact she dated Shad Moss, Fifty Cent, and other celebrities. At this time, Ciara is 30 years old. A women is suppose to date in her twenties until shes finds the guy who is meant for her. Yet, social media determined that Ciara has dated too many guys and should be considered a hoe.

In contrast, Future has dated multiple women AND has multiple baby mothers, but he is not considered a hoe. Future's rap sheet proves that he is not reliable and not a great man in terms of relationships. In total, Future has 4 baby mothers. FOUR. He did not marry any of them. Future should have been the one receiving the harsh criticism, instead Ciara received the backlash. This is typical within the black community. Women are expected to stay in toxic relationships and be a "ride or die", instead of moving on and being happy. There are women who are willing to stay in unhealthy relationships because they don't want to be labeled a hoe and/or don't want to be labeled a bad mother. Men utilize these tactics to prevent women from moving on.

Control

Men like control. Some men don't want to be with you, but don't want to see you happy with any one else. They will use a women until she finally says enough. Then try to get their act together, when it is too late. As long as she accepts his bullshit, he will continue to dish it to her. He will then blame her for accepting it, instead of taking responsibility. If you have read my blog titled, "If you've been treated like shit, Its because you allowed it," you will know that I partial agree. I think that a women should know not to accept bullshit and know their worth. However, I don't believe that a man should think it's okay to mistreat a women and then try to prevent her from moving on. For example, Ciara broke up with Future after finding out he was cheating. He tried to use his son, to prevent her from moving on. He stated clearly that he did not want Russell around his son. Like it has been stated hundreds of times, if you don't want another man around your child, marry their mother.

Unfortunately, in society black mothers are expected to remain SINGLE, which is where the coined phrase single mother comes from. Single mothers are not expected to date. They are suppose to put their children first and wait until they are a certain age to date again. It is frowned upon when a single mother does not give ALL of her time to her child. As mother, it is expected that you give away your individuality. On the other hand, the child's Father is allowed to go out, date, and do anything they want. A man will point out that his child's mother is going out too much, but will forget that she still spends more time with the child than he does. I'm here to tell women, it is okay to date, it is okay to do things for your self, it is okay to do things that make you happy. I'm not saying bring every man around your children. I'm not telling you to bring men around your children at all. I am saying it is okay to date, you do not have to wait until your children are grown to be happy. You may miss out on a great person, limiting your self. A man that says he doesn't want his child's mother to move on because the child could possibly be around another man is a hypocrite. Especially, since he isn't going to limit his dating life, either.

Hypocrisy
Future and his supporters are the biggest hypocrites. Future was pretending to be "concerned" about Russell being around his son. He stated he didn't want Russell pushing baby Future in a stroller, or going to all his games, and taking pictures. HOWEVER, Future had Ciara doing that with his kids. I don't understand how it was okay for Ciara to be around ALL of Future's kids, playing step mom, but now it is unacceptable for Russell to be a step father to his son? How Sway? Don't believe? Here's the picture proof.

Some people will claim that it's different, but I don't see how that's possible. When Future and Ciara first began dating, during an interview Future admitted that Ciara was good with his kids and their mothers. However, now that he is on the other side of the fence, he's making it out to be an issue. One of Future's other baby mother's sued him because she felt like he was giving more time, attention, and money to Baby future. The baby mother stated that he only gets his child 7 days a month, and for the most part the baby is with Future's Mother. This illustrates, that Future was more concerned with Ciara, then his son. Future and his supporters need to get out of their feelings. Russell is doing great with baby Future, as he should.

My Experience

I am currently in a similar situation as Ciara. My son's father and I broke up when my son was 1 years old. For years, I was skeptical about my boyfriend stepping up in to the parental role. Aside from not wanting to trust anyone with that crucial role in my son's life, I was apprehensive about how my son's father would feel about it. However, now that he is not involved as much as he is supposed to, I am grateful that I am in a relationship with a man who is willing to step up and be a role model for my son. It takes a village to raise a child, and we need to take heed to that. If my son's father had a girlfriend that he wanted to spend his life with, who would be a step mother to my son, my only request would be that she treats my son good.

There are 2 things that both parents SHOULD want from a step parent:

Treat my child as your own
A step parent should treat the child as their own. This is imperative, because once you have children together, you don't want your child to feel like an outcast. All the children need to feel the same love and affection. If Ciara would have dated a man who pays Baby Future no mind, people would have asked how Ciara can marry a man who doesn't want to get to know her child. A great example is Jackie from basketball wives. Her daughter has publicly admitted that she felt like an outcast because she is not Doug's daughter. That's a terrible feeling, to feel like you don't belong to your own family and i'll be damned if I be with someone who makes my child feel like he's different from our other kids.

Respect my parental style
Everyone has a set goal in mind when raising their children. Parents don't want their children exposed to certain things, or listening to certain music, or playing video games that are not suitable for children. If this is the case, the step parent should adhere to those standards. However, there have been cases where I have been against something, and my man would help me see it from a different perspective.  


In conclusion, single mothers CAN move on from their Baby Fathers and start to date again. They shouldn't feel guilty about moving on and finding a guy who is willing to treat your child like their own. Step parents don't hinder the relationship between a child and the real parent. If you're a great parent, your child will KNOW that. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Lastly, women shouldn't be labeled as hoes for having the courage to pick up the pieces of our heart and giving love another try. We shouldn't limit our selves because society has taught us that single mothers have to remain single to be good mothers. Keep your individuality. You were yourself, before you were a mother. Always remember that.

 

Thank you for reading!!! Comment and/or email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com.