Many of my friends believe that I have a knack for understanding them and giving them advice, based on my understanding of how they operate. So, they always ask me for advice, which often encourages me to write.
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend and we were discussing whether or not she should stop messing with the guy she has been dating for 3 years. Although she swore it was love, I knew she was dickmatized. We started discussing, how to decipher the difference between being in love and being dickmatized. I came to a few elements we could use to determine it: time, behavior, and reciprocation.
My friend, let's call her Patience, was dealing with a man for 3 years. Throughout 3 years he had giving her an outstanding amount of headaches, without even committing to her. They were never in an official relationship. Based on everything that she continued to allow him to do, I came to the conclusion that she was dickmatized.
Patience met Taylor 3 years ago. From the beginning, Taylor made it clear that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. Although, he was in a relationship previous to meeting Patience, at this time he stated he wasn't ready to be in a relationship again. At first this was cool, because when you first start dating a person, you're not sure it's gonna work out, so you're not pressed about a relationship. However, after a few months you begin to decide if you want to pursue a relationship. Of course, after a few months, Patience was infatuated with the penis and wanted it all to herself. She began to press Taylor about being monogamous, but he still insisted that he wasn't ready. He would ask, "what would be different?" and she didn't have an answer. Ironically, he was telling her so much in that sentence.
It didn't matter if they labeled it a relationship, because he was still going to mess with other women. He was still going to be unaffectionate, outside of sex. He was still not going to take her on dates, and the majority of their meet-ups were still going to be at her house. For the first three years of their relationship, she had never been to his house. He never even invited her. His excuse was that he lived with his parents, who were old school and they didn't like that he brought over women. However, his previous girlfriend, who he now had a child by was more than welcome. Did I mention he was still messing with this ex? A few times patience had went through his phone, and saw that Taylor was still sexting his ex, and was flirting with other women. But, what could she say? His response was always they are not in a relationship. In the course of 3 years, Taylor had put Patience through the ringer. He had gotten another women pregnant, although he had insisted that he didn't want anymore kids when she had told him she wanted one. She had multiple arguments and altercations with both baby mothers, and he didn't treat her the way she wanted to be treated. She constantly overextended her self to prove to him that she was relationship material. She wanted to prove that she was all Taylor needed. However, it never worked. It never worked, because that was never Taylor's plan.
If you asked her why she stayed for 3 years, she would state it was because she loved him. Unfortunately, I knew that it was because she was dickmatized. Like the old folks say, the proof is in the pudding. If you analyze the elements of dickamatization, you could clearly see that Patience was dickmatized.
Time
Time is a key factor in determining dickamatization. In my opinion, 1-2 years is not enough time to love someone so much that you put up with being cheated on and being treated less than you deserve. You can not convince me that in one year you love a person so much that you will give up your sanity and accept being given the bare minimum. After 5 plus years, there may be some extreme ties between a person and their spouse that prevent them from separating, such has finances, mortgage, joint back accounts or kids. However, 365 days fly past, and in that amount of time there is no significant factors that prevent you from leaving. Unless pregnancy occurs, but even then you dont have to put up with drama just because you have a kid together.
Behavior
If your behavior can be considered irrational then you could be dickmatized. Patience would argue with Taylor about the way he treated her, and tell him that he needed to treat her the way she wanted to be treated. This would make Taylor mad and he would ignore her. She would end up apologizing to him, although she wasn't in the wrong for expressing to him how she should be treated. Patience would come up with excuses for Taylor's behavior. She would go out of her way to make sure he was good. If he needed money she would provide it. She would give him husband benefits, even though they wasn't in a relationship. If you are behaving in a way that a drug addict does, in the name of love, then you are dickmatized. Especially, if the person you are dealing with is not reciprocating any of your behaviors.
Reciporocation
Throughout the 3 years, Taylor has not given Patience the same amount of love and affection that she has given him. He gave her the bare minimum. You could count the amount of times they went out on one hand. It didn't seem to affect him when she was mad or sad. He didn't go out of his way to make sure she was ok, they way she always made sure he was ok. He never made an effort to meet her family and friends. He did not reciprocate what she dished out. This is an essential element in deciphering if a person is dickmatized. If you are being treated like Patience, what is it that you are really in love with? He doesn't treat you like you are a goddess, he doesn't court you, he still messes with other woman, and he can be an asshole from time to time. If this is the case, then love is definitely not the reason you have remained this guys door mat. The only reasonable explanation is being dickmatized.
Dickmatized can be defined as a person being obsessed with dick. This obsession causes a person to do things that they wouldn't usually do. They become irrational and although everyone else can see that they are whipped, they can not. If you can see yourself in anything that I described, and have become aware that you are dickmatized, you need to get out now. See your worth and find someone who may be worth all the effort you're giving now.
Patience still can't see that she is dickmatized, even after I broke it down to her. However, I know that she is dickmatized because I use to be in her shoes. When I was in the thick of it, I couldn't see that I was dickmatized either. Now, I sit back and ask myself, what made me love that man so much that I acted in such a way? My responses always come up empty. There was no reason why I cared for him so much. He didn't treat me great. He was always talking to other women, we never went on dates, and I hardly met any of his family. The one thing we did have was great sex,which lead me to understand I was dickmatized. It took me years to leave that man alone, but it was the best decision I have made. I can only encourage Patience to leave Taylor alone. Ultimately, it's up to her to figure it out and decide that she deserves love.
Thank you for reading. Like, Share, Comment.
FYI: I have permission to share these details.
-Precious Truthz
Sunday, December 10, 2017
Thursday, November 23, 2017
The spouse who always thinks you're cheating
I have a friend, lets call him Langston, who has a girlfriend who always thinks he is cheating. It doesn't matter what he's doing, she doesn't believe it. Langston could be going to a family event, hanging out with his friends, or working overtime. However, in her mind that all equates to cheating. Anytime he is not in her presence, she thinks he must be with another girl. He asked me what do I think he should do, because it's starting to get annoying. I explained to him, before I can tell him an answer, we need to know the root cause of her insecurity. Once you understand where her fear of infidelity comes from, then you will know how to resolve the issue.
There are various reasons why a woman or man has insecurities about infidelity. These reasons include: History, Behavior, Projection, and Control.
History
History is one of the biggest reasons a person has insecurities. If a person has been cheated on in a previous relationship or in their current relationship, they are going to have doubts about their spouse being faithful. This is especially true if it happened in the current relationship. If a person is cheated on in their relationship, then the insecurity is justifiable. However, if the person decides to stay in the relationship, they have to agree to accept this reality and move forward. If you know that you are never going to be able to trust that person, you might as well break up.
Behavior
A change in behavior can be disturbing to a partner if they don't understand it. If a person becomes distant, or a person is constantly checking their phone, or some other new behavior, it may cause their spouse to have insecurities. The new behavior may lead your spouse to believe that you are losing interest or have taken interest in some new.
Projection
A spouse can be consistently accusing you of cheating because they are cheating themselves. The point is to either convince themselves that they have a reason to cheat or throw you off so you don't realize that they are cheating. They can also be thinking about potentially cheating and looking for a reason to do it. If they convince themselves that their spouse is doing it, it makes it easier for them to do it.
Control
Some people use their "insecurity" as a means of control. Let's go back to Langston. Since he knows his girlfriend is insecure, he doesn't go out with friends as much, he ensures that he calls her often when he has to work late or is not in her presence. Some people use that to control their spouses lives. She's going to continue to accuse him of cheating because she knows that he will curtail his plans to avoid an argument with her. This knowledge is used as a means of control.
Now that we know the causes of insecurities, we can address how to resolve them.
History
A person who is cheated on, doesn't want to hear it was a mistake. Cheating is never a mistake, it is a choice. In order for a spouse to start trusting you again, you have to have a truthful discussion about the cheating. Any question that is asked,you must answer truthfully. Many people who have cheated, try to apologize and promise it wont happen again, to rush the conversation. Many people know that the details will either push their spouse further away, or hurt them even more. However, the details are very important if you want to move forward. If all the details are not given to your spouse during the first conversation, every time they learn a new detail it will be like reliving the experience again. It will reopen old wounds and they will begin to question your loyalty again. Additionally, there are some people who will internalize the infidelity and blame themselves. Some may think they weren't good enough, or that it was something they lacked which caused the cheating. If a person blames their self for their spouses cheating, it can diminish their self worth. They may believe that they are not good enough to prevent their spouse from cheating. This is why it's crucial to have a truthful conversation about the cheating incident. Don't allow your spouse to suffer for your infidelities, let them know that it was your poor decision making that lead to your cheating, or that you weren't ready for commitment.
I remember watching an episode of marriage boot camp, and one of the wives continuously brought up the fact that her husband cheated on her with a girl from the gym. Every time she brought it up, the husband got mad and stormed off. When he spoke about why it makes him mad, he stated he just wanted her to get over it. However, she couldn't get over it because they never really discussed it. He expected her to just get over it, and accept his apology, without truly discussing it. The wife wasn't able to let it go, until they discussed it and she could accept the reasons he cheated. If the cheating did stem from a issue in the relationship, she needs to know that you will look towards each other for the answer, not else where.
If the insecurities are due to a previous relationship, then you can attempt to ensure your spouse that you are not their ex, and you don't need to pay for some one else mistakes. If they still continue to show that they are not over their ex, then maybe the relationship should be paused. Maybe the person who has the insecurities needs time to heal before they can move on to another relationship.
Behavior
If you are aware that you have been acting differently in your relationship, address this change. The change could be from outside factors should as work, or depression. Share with your spouse the reasons for the recent behavioral changes. Maybe they can help with the issues you are facing. That's what your spouse is for. If your behavior changes are due to infidelity, than you need to think about if you want to be with your current spouse. Clearly, your spouse notices the behavioral changes, which has led to their insecurity. If you don't want to be in an committed relationship, let your spouse know. Allow them to make the decision whether they want to stay under those circumstances.
Projection
It's hard to determine whether a person is projecting. However, If you know you're doing everything right and you're faithful, and you go to the extreme to prove it, then this may be proof that they are projecting. If you have given them the password to your phone and social media, and constantly the things they ask to prove your loyalty, and it still isn't enough it may mean they are projecting their cheating on to you. They feel like if they are cheating, you have to be cheating, too. Some people don't have the gumption to break up with someone, and actually hope that they get caught cheating. Either way, if your spouse continues to accuse you of cheating, maybe you don't need to be in that relationship.
Control
This one is clear cut. If your spouse is using their insecurity to control your life, then you need to let them go. If you find that you're reluctant to go out, or do things that make you happy, in order to avoid confrontation with your spouse, your spouse may be attempting to control your life. It's a person's choice whether they want to remain in an unhealthy relationship, however I would encourage a person not to remain in a relationship with a person who seeks to control them.
After I explained this, Langston revealed that he believed it was a combination of history and control. He stated that she was cheated on in her previous relationship, which did cause her to have insecurities. However, he believed that she also used it as a means to control him. She knew that he would think twice before he made plans to go out with his friends or to even hang out with family. He needed to have a conversation with her to discuss her insecurities and learning to trust him. If she didn't trust him and couldn't trust him in his absences then they couldn't be together.
In my opinion, there are many reasons that lead to insecurities. These insecurities can ruin a relationship, whether they are valid or not. If you believe that your spouse has insecurities, try to find the root causes. Use the reason for the insecurity to determine if it's plausible to resolve the issues. If it is plausible, fix it. Work with your spouse to address your problems and help each other to trust. Communicate and reassure each other. However, if the root causes show that it is something that can not be fixed, move on from it. Don't continue to keep trying to make someone trust you, who may never do so.
There are various reasons why a woman or man has insecurities about infidelity. These reasons include: History, Behavior, Projection, and Control.
History
History is one of the biggest reasons a person has insecurities. If a person has been cheated on in a previous relationship or in their current relationship, they are going to have doubts about their spouse being faithful. This is especially true if it happened in the current relationship. If a person is cheated on in their relationship, then the insecurity is justifiable. However, if the person decides to stay in the relationship, they have to agree to accept this reality and move forward. If you know that you are never going to be able to trust that person, you might as well break up.
Behavior
A change in behavior can be disturbing to a partner if they don't understand it. If a person becomes distant, or a person is constantly checking their phone, or some other new behavior, it may cause their spouse to have insecurities. The new behavior may lead your spouse to believe that you are losing interest or have taken interest in some new.
Projection
A spouse can be consistently accusing you of cheating because they are cheating themselves. The point is to either convince themselves that they have a reason to cheat or throw you off so you don't realize that they are cheating. They can also be thinking about potentially cheating and looking for a reason to do it. If they convince themselves that their spouse is doing it, it makes it easier for them to do it.
Control
Some people use their "insecurity" as a means of control. Let's go back to Langston. Since he knows his girlfriend is insecure, he doesn't go out with friends as much, he ensures that he calls her often when he has to work late or is not in her presence. Some people use that to control their spouses lives. She's going to continue to accuse him of cheating because she knows that he will curtail his plans to avoid an argument with her. This knowledge is used as a means of control.
Now that we know the causes of insecurities, we can address how to resolve them.
History
A person who is cheated on, doesn't want to hear it was a mistake. Cheating is never a mistake, it is a choice. In order for a spouse to start trusting you again, you have to have a truthful discussion about the cheating. Any question that is asked,you must answer truthfully. Many people who have cheated, try to apologize and promise it wont happen again, to rush the conversation. Many people know that the details will either push their spouse further away, or hurt them even more. However, the details are very important if you want to move forward. If all the details are not given to your spouse during the first conversation, every time they learn a new detail it will be like reliving the experience again. It will reopen old wounds and they will begin to question your loyalty again. Additionally, there are some people who will internalize the infidelity and blame themselves. Some may think they weren't good enough, or that it was something they lacked which caused the cheating. If a person blames their self for their spouses cheating, it can diminish their self worth. They may believe that they are not good enough to prevent their spouse from cheating. This is why it's crucial to have a truthful conversation about the cheating incident. Don't allow your spouse to suffer for your infidelities, let them know that it was your poor decision making that lead to your cheating, or that you weren't ready for commitment.
I remember watching an episode of marriage boot camp, and one of the wives continuously brought up the fact that her husband cheated on her with a girl from the gym. Every time she brought it up, the husband got mad and stormed off. When he spoke about why it makes him mad, he stated he just wanted her to get over it. However, she couldn't get over it because they never really discussed it. He expected her to just get over it, and accept his apology, without truly discussing it. The wife wasn't able to let it go, until they discussed it and she could accept the reasons he cheated. If the cheating did stem from a issue in the relationship, she needs to know that you will look towards each other for the answer, not else where.
If the insecurities are due to a previous relationship, then you can attempt to ensure your spouse that you are not their ex, and you don't need to pay for some one else mistakes. If they still continue to show that they are not over their ex, then maybe the relationship should be paused. Maybe the person who has the insecurities needs time to heal before they can move on to another relationship.
Behavior
If you are aware that you have been acting differently in your relationship, address this change. The change could be from outside factors should as work, or depression. Share with your spouse the reasons for the recent behavioral changes. Maybe they can help with the issues you are facing. That's what your spouse is for. If your behavior changes are due to infidelity, than you need to think about if you want to be with your current spouse. Clearly, your spouse notices the behavioral changes, which has led to their insecurity. If you don't want to be in an committed relationship, let your spouse know. Allow them to make the decision whether they want to stay under those circumstances.
Projection
It's hard to determine whether a person is projecting. However, If you know you're doing everything right and you're faithful, and you go to the extreme to prove it, then this may be proof that they are projecting. If you have given them the password to your phone and social media, and constantly the things they ask to prove your loyalty, and it still isn't enough it may mean they are projecting their cheating on to you. They feel like if they are cheating, you have to be cheating, too. Some people don't have the gumption to break up with someone, and actually hope that they get caught cheating. Either way, if your spouse continues to accuse you of cheating, maybe you don't need to be in that relationship.
Control
This one is clear cut. If your spouse is using their insecurity to control your life, then you need to let them go. If you find that you're reluctant to go out, or do things that make you happy, in order to avoid confrontation with your spouse, your spouse may be attempting to control your life. It's a person's choice whether they want to remain in an unhealthy relationship, however I would encourage a person not to remain in a relationship with a person who seeks to control them.
After I explained this, Langston revealed that he believed it was a combination of history and control. He stated that she was cheated on in her previous relationship, which did cause her to have insecurities. However, he believed that she also used it as a means to control him. She knew that he would think twice before he made plans to go out with his friends or to even hang out with family. He needed to have a conversation with her to discuss her insecurities and learning to trust him. If she didn't trust him and couldn't trust him in his absences then they couldn't be together.
In my opinion, there are many reasons that lead to insecurities. These insecurities can ruin a relationship, whether they are valid or not. If you believe that your spouse has insecurities, try to find the root causes. Use the reason for the insecurity to determine if it's plausible to resolve the issues. If it is plausible, fix it. Work with your spouse to address your problems and help each other to trust. Communicate and reassure each other. However, if the root causes show that it is something that can not be fixed, move on from it. Don't continue to keep trying to make someone trust you, who may never do so.
Monday, November 13, 2017
Uncomfortable In My Own Skin
Disclaimer: This post isn't meant to offend anyone. Its meant to be an eye opener and hopefully a cycle breaker. This blog will be a mix of opinions, facts, and statistics. Beware, I'm going to start this off strong!!
BLACK PEOPLE ARE A SELF HATING PEOPLE! This includes Latinx. Many Latinos love to believe that they are not black, but we have the same African roots. The difference is some of us were taken by the british and some were taken by the spaniards. However, I am digressing already. Black people illustrate the hate they have, when they pick a part their black counterparts. Black people will see success of other blacks and point out something wrong with in it. For Example, Gabrielle Douglas. First black female to win the all around individual gold medal. We should be proud and yet what did people do? Criticize her hair. Let's not talk about why hair is such a BIG deal to black people. Matter fact, let's go there.
When I first went natural, there were people who asked "how long would I be going through this phase?", or saying remarks like "I could not do that natural hair stuff. People were against the natural hair movement, citing things like it looks unkempt or it can't be worn professionally. This showed society's views of black features. How can something that grows from a persons head, be considered unprofessional?
Now that the natural hair movement has become a trend, millions of black women are transitioning to natural hair and companies are merchandising it. Years ago, natural haired black women had to make their own hair care products because the hair supply stores did not have great products for our hair. Once companies noticed they were losing money by not providing products that addressed the needs of the natural hair community, they started creating the products and began using our terminology. On every product you see phrases like, control your edges, manage your coils, maintain your curl pattern. Before big companies saw dollars signs on our head, they didn't give a damn about products for our hair. It's a shame that in 2017, we are just getting products that are healthy for our hair.
This type of behavior is nothing new to the black community. Our features, for centuries, have been made out to be ugly and/ or unattractive. Sadly, til this day those views are still indoctrinated in our culture and internalized in our beliefs. Unfortunately, one of the main reasons we have began to change some of those beliefs is because European beauty standards have changed, and white people have begun to love of features. And you know... when they like something of ours, they appropriate it and call it their own.
It's ironic that non-black people go to tanning salons to make them selves darker, get Botox to make their lips bigger, and buy breast and butts to imitate our natural bodies. Everywhere you look you see black features being accentuated. It's disheartening that our features are only glorified after it's been a trend. Again, going back to black hair. Everyone wanted to wear CORNROLLS, after Kim Kardashian wore them and renamed them boxer braids. There were many people that didn't understand the outrage of the black community. When our culture is appropriated it hurts. Simply put: it's like turning a paper in to your teacher and getting an F for it. Then your white classmate turns in the exact same paper and gets an A. It's very upsetting. Before I learned that I have been fed lies about what should be considered beautiful, I was uncomfortable in my own skin..
In my childhood, I did not like the way I looked. I battled my self-loathing daily. My Father always taught me that Black was beautiful, and knowledge was power. Everyday, he would reiterate to me powerful statements about black people. However, once I went to school, watched TV, or listened to music, I received different messages. When I was in school, the dark skin girls did not get the same attention as the light skin girls. Even in elementary school, little boys knew that they were suppose to like light skin girls. They knew that when they grew up they wanted to marry and have kids with light skin blacks, Latinos, or whites. This would ensure their children would be born with good hair and fit into society's beauty standards. Consistently, it was illustrated to me that I was not in the defined standards of beauty. My hair was not good hair, my skin was too dark, and my lips were too big. Often, I would ask my father to shave the hair in my "kitchen", which is the hair in your nape. I didn't want to be teased for having "peas in my kitchen." I wanted my hair straighten, because I wanted to have good hair. And I wished I was light skinned because they received all the attention and were told they were pretty.
As I got older, the feelings I had only grew. I remember hanging out with my cousins on weekends and I being the darkest one.
Early in our teens, we would go to the key or to scream (Adolescent parties). We were at the age where we are beginning to like boys and wanted attention from them. After the party was over, boys would ask for the girls house numbers and ask to get to know them. All of my cousins would get asked for their number, except me. If I did, it would be because I was the only option left. It was a terrible feeling. I would wait on the sidelines, until they were finish talking with the boys who like them. I just knew that if I had been blessed with light skin I would get more attention and be considered pretty.
Additionally, during this age group we loved 106 and park. It allowed us to watch videos to our favorite songs. However, most of the videos featured a light skin girl as the main video model. Light skinned girls were the epitome of beauty in the eyes of society. Most songs talked about liking red-bone girls with long hair, or exotic women from places other than Africa. Even Caribbean women were looked at more favorably than Black American woman.
In high school, I remember a guy telling someone he doesn't date black girls because their hair doesn't move. The girl who was Latina, laughed at his audacity. The most biggest irony, is that he was black. His mother embodied all of the beauty standards that he claimed he didn't like. We have to question, how is this possible? How can we hate our physical features and still claim to love our families? For many people the lessons of color bias begin at home. Below is a few reasons that can attribute to the reason why:
Mis-education of god
Since Slavery, black people have been taught through Christianity (and other religions) that Jesus is white. They were taught to worship a man who looked nothing like them, who had blonde hair and blue eyes. It's been stated in articles that this depiction came about in the 15th century when an artist was hired by Pope Alexander, to paint images of biblical people as white. According to the website quora, the image of Jesus is actually a picture of the Pope's son Cesare Borgia. However, prior to multiple facades that depict Jesus as white, biblical people were known to be black. The bible discusses where Jesus was from and what he looked like, and through the illustration describe in the bible, it's impossible for Jesus to be white. Additionally, there are statues and monuments around the world that have gods with black features. Unfortunately, being taught that god doesn't look like you can encourage a person to hate themselves.
Media
The media plays one of the biggest roles in this scheme. For years, black women had the least appealing roles in shows and movies. They played secondary characters that had the same ghetto attitudes. Consequently, the black women who were able to obtain lead roles were mostly light skinned. In commercials, it was always white people or lighter skinned blacks that represented the standard Beauty. There has always been a promotion of European standards as the superior beauty in movies, shows, and commercials. When black children constantly see images that don't reflect their features being shown as beautiful, they start to believe they aren't beautiful. Some grow up, and pay to have their skinned lighten and their features changed, to fit in to the medias selected standard of beauty.
Stockholm syndrome
Stockholm syndrome is a psychological perception in which slaves express extreme sympathy and positive feelings toward their enslavers, to the point of defending and identifying with them, rather than their fellow hostages. During slavery, the house slaves were treated significantly better that the field slaves. Thus the house slaves were more inclined to love their masters and protect them. This same behavior can be witnessed in this modern day and age. The easiest example is entertainers.Whether it's an athlete or musician, you can find multiple black people who no longer identify with the trials of Black Americans. Being millionaires afford them the opportunity to be treated better than the average black american. This treatment causes them to believe that discrimination amongst Black people are not existent.A great example is Colin Kaepernick. There are many athletes who were against Colin Kaepernick's protest and didn't understand how he could identify with police brutality and injustice against the Black community. It wasn't until Trump shared his disgust with NFL owners, that other players and owners began to kneel as well.
Protection
Black people understand that it is pertinent to teach our kids rules that will protect them. Some of these rules include not talking back to the police, not making any sudden movements, and placing hands where they are visible. Although, we shouldn't have to take these drastic measures, we teach our kids because we want them to come home safely. When black people are hurt by police, we look for reasons to blame the victim. In the fatal shooting of Philando Castillo, subconsciousy we questioned, "Why did he reach for his wallet?" Why was he carrying a weapon? Even though it was his constitutional right, in an open carry state. We have been brainwashed to blame ourselves when we haven't done anything wrong, as a means of protection.
Colorism
Colorism can be defined as the prejudicial or preferential treatment of people of the same race based on their complexion or color. We are well aware that this practice stemmed from racism. Lighter skinned people have been given more privilege than darker skinned people. We have become so accustom to this reality that we participate in it. We compliment darkskin girls by telling them "you're pretty for a darkskin girl." As if dark skin girls are not expected to be pretty. We have some people who refuse to date dark skin people, in order to ensure their children aren't born with dark skin. We judge and discrimate against ourselves based on complexion.
It wasn't until my late teens and early twenties that I became self aware of my beauty and acknowledged the contributing factors, discussed above, that led to my self loathing. I finally realized that I had allowed other people to dictate how I felt about myself. I always knew that I saw beauty when I looked in the mirror, but I was discouraged because I thought no one else could see it. I also realized that some people will always follow the status quo and they only see my beauty through the eyes of society. Now that natural hair is popular, I get so many compliments on my hair. I had people who discouraged me from going natural, now asking me for advice to transition to natural hair. Those are the people who see me through the eyes of society. The ones who will give you compliments when your features are trending. Once Kylie Jenner got Botox, everyone wanted fuller lips. They even created devices that cut the circulation to your lips, to temporarily make them plump. Some of those people were the same ones who was teasing people about their big lips.
For centuries, its been indoctrinated in black people that we are less than we are. The biggest problem of all is that it is partially our fault. We have accepted and conformed to society's standard of beauty. Most of us are aware of the lies we have been fed through out history, but we still choose to indulge in it. We make fun of people who don't fit into those european standards of beauty. We tease people about their black features, and then get mad at them for changing it. For example, Lil kim clearly hated her black features. She changed her nose, has lighter skin and smaller lips. Kim didn't change her image for no reason. She did that because she's learned that her features were unattractive.Unfortunately black people solidify those beliefs. Plenty of times, I wished that I could change my physical appearance. I am grateful that I learned to love myself.
Furthermore, we have black people that hate themselves so much that they refuse to date in their own race. I have nothing against interracial couples. However, I am against black man who will tell you the only reason they date white women, is because they don't like black woman. These black men refuse to date black women, for reasons that have been taught to them. They have been taught that black women are loud and ghetto. They have been taught that black women are unattractive. That we have an "angry black women complex" and we are too independent. Ironically, they turn around and date women of other ethnicities who have the same qualities and name it something else. If a black man dates a white women who has an "attitude, they call it spunky. A Latino women with an attitude is Feisty. But, Black women don't get a cute little names. They're just called angry. We have to mitigate ALL of these false beliefs.
The way to ending this cycle of hatred, is to teach your children to love them selves. Teach them that what the media shows on television is not the epitome of beauty. Every morning I have my son say a morning manta: I am Black, I am Smart, I am handsome, and no one can stop me from being focused. I am trying to indoctrinate in him, all the things I second guessed about myself. Black people across the diaspora need to realize that we are beautiful, in all of our complexions. We need to reject what has been taught to us. Most of all, we need to realize that so many people want to be us. That's why they mimic our style, appropriate our culture, discriminate against us, kill us and encourage us to kill our selves. Its' because We are Beauty, We are Strength, We are Perseverance.
Thank your for reading. Comment your thoughts. As always you can email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com if you would like to contact me.
BLACK PEOPLE ARE A SELF HATING PEOPLE! This includes Latinx. Many Latinos love to believe that they are not black, but we have the same African roots. The difference is some of us were taken by the british and some were taken by the spaniards. However, I am digressing already. Black people illustrate the hate they have, when they pick a part their black counterparts. Black people will see success of other blacks and point out something wrong with in it. For Example, Gabrielle Douglas. First black female to win the all around individual gold medal. We should be proud and yet what did people do? Criticize her hair. Let's not talk about why hair is such a BIG deal to black people. Matter fact, let's go there.
When I first went natural, there were people who asked "how long would I be going through this phase?", or saying remarks like "I could not do that natural hair stuff. People were against the natural hair movement, citing things like it looks unkempt or it can't be worn professionally. This showed society's views of black features. How can something that grows from a persons head, be considered unprofessional?
Now that the natural hair movement has become a trend, millions of black women are transitioning to natural hair and companies are merchandising it. Years ago, natural haired black women had to make their own hair care products because the hair supply stores did not have great products for our hair. Once companies noticed they were losing money by not providing products that addressed the needs of the natural hair community, they started creating the products and began using our terminology. On every product you see phrases like, control your edges, manage your coils, maintain your curl pattern. Before big companies saw dollars signs on our head, they didn't give a damn about products for our hair. It's a shame that in 2017, we are just getting products that are healthy for our hair.
This type of behavior is nothing new to the black community. Our features, for centuries, have been made out to be ugly and/ or unattractive. Sadly, til this day those views are still indoctrinated in our culture and internalized in our beliefs. Unfortunately, one of the main reasons we have began to change some of those beliefs is because European beauty standards have changed, and white people have begun to love of features. And you know... when they like something of ours, they appropriate it and call it their own.
It's ironic that non-black people go to tanning salons to make them selves darker, get Botox to make their lips bigger, and buy breast and butts to imitate our natural bodies. Everywhere you look you see black features being accentuated. It's disheartening that our features are only glorified after it's been a trend. Again, going back to black hair. Everyone wanted to wear CORNROLLS, after Kim Kardashian wore them and renamed them boxer braids. There were many people that didn't understand the outrage of the black community. When our culture is appropriated it hurts. Simply put: it's like turning a paper in to your teacher and getting an F for it. Then your white classmate turns in the exact same paper and gets an A. It's very upsetting. Before I learned that I have been fed lies about what should be considered beautiful, I was uncomfortable in my own skin..
In my childhood, I did not like the way I looked. I battled my self-loathing daily. My Father always taught me that Black was beautiful, and knowledge was power. Everyday, he would reiterate to me powerful statements about black people. However, once I went to school, watched TV, or listened to music, I received different messages. When I was in school, the dark skin girls did not get the same attention as the light skin girls. Even in elementary school, little boys knew that they were suppose to like light skin girls. They knew that when they grew up they wanted to marry and have kids with light skin blacks, Latinos, or whites. This would ensure their children would be born with good hair and fit into society's beauty standards. Consistently, it was illustrated to me that I was not in the defined standards of beauty. My hair was not good hair, my skin was too dark, and my lips were too big. Often, I would ask my father to shave the hair in my "kitchen", which is the hair in your nape. I didn't want to be teased for having "peas in my kitchen." I wanted my hair straighten, because I wanted to have good hair. And I wished I was light skinned because they received all the attention and were told they were pretty.
As I got older, the feelings I had only grew. I remember hanging out with my cousins on weekends and I being the darkest one.
Early in our teens, we would go to the key or to scream (Adolescent parties). We were at the age where we are beginning to like boys and wanted attention from them. After the party was over, boys would ask for the girls house numbers and ask to get to know them. All of my cousins would get asked for their number, except me. If I did, it would be because I was the only option left. It was a terrible feeling. I would wait on the sidelines, until they were finish talking with the boys who like them. I just knew that if I had been blessed with light skin I would get more attention and be considered pretty.
Additionally, during this age group we loved 106 and park. It allowed us to watch videos to our favorite songs. However, most of the videos featured a light skin girl as the main video model. Light skinned girls were the epitome of beauty in the eyes of society. Most songs talked about liking red-bone girls with long hair, or exotic women from places other than Africa. Even Caribbean women were looked at more favorably than Black American woman.
In high school, I remember a guy telling someone he doesn't date black girls because their hair doesn't move. The girl who was Latina, laughed at his audacity. The most biggest irony, is that he was black. His mother embodied all of the beauty standards that he claimed he didn't like. We have to question, how is this possible? How can we hate our physical features and still claim to love our families? For many people the lessons of color bias begin at home. Below is a few reasons that can attribute to the reason why:
Mis-education of god
Since Slavery, black people have been taught through Christianity (and other religions) that Jesus is white. They were taught to worship a man who looked nothing like them, who had blonde hair and blue eyes. It's been stated in articles that this depiction came about in the 15th century when an artist was hired by Pope Alexander, to paint images of biblical people as white. According to the website quora, the image of Jesus is actually a picture of the Pope's son Cesare Borgia. However, prior to multiple facades that depict Jesus as white, biblical people were known to be black. The bible discusses where Jesus was from and what he looked like, and through the illustration describe in the bible, it's impossible for Jesus to be white. Additionally, there are statues and monuments around the world that have gods with black features. Unfortunately, being taught that god doesn't look like you can encourage a person to hate themselves.
Media
The media plays one of the biggest roles in this scheme. For years, black women had the least appealing roles in shows and movies. They played secondary characters that had the same ghetto attitudes. Consequently, the black women who were able to obtain lead roles were mostly light skinned. In commercials, it was always white people or lighter skinned blacks that represented the standard Beauty. There has always been a promotion of European standards as the superior beauty in movies, shows, and commercials. When black children constantly see images that don't reflect their features being shown as beautiful, they start to believe they aren't beautiful. Some grow up, and pay to have their skinned lighten and their features changed, to fit in to the medias selected standard of beauty.
Stockholm syndrome
Stockholm syndrome is a psychological perception in which slaves express extreme sympathy and positive feelings toward their enslavers, to the point of defending and identifying with them, rather than their fellow hostages. During slavery, the house slaves were treated significantly better that the field slaves. Thus the house slaves were more inclined to love their masters and protect them. This same behavior can be witnessed in this modern day and age. The easiest example is entertainers.Whether it's an athlete or musician, you can find multiple black people who no longer identify with the trials of Black Americans. Being millionaires afford them the opportunity to be treated better than the average black american. This treatment causes them to believe that discrimination amongst Black people are not existent.A great example is Colin Kaepernick. There are many athletes who were against Colin Kaepernick's protest and didn't understand how he could identify with police brutality and injustice against the Black community. It wasn't until Trump shared his disgust with NFL owners, that other players and owners began to kneel as well.
Protection
Black people understand that it is pertinent to teach our kids rules that will protect them. Some of these rules include not talking back to the police, not making any sudden movements, and placing hands where they are visible. Although, we shouldn't have to take these drastic measures, we teach our kids because we want them to come home safely. When black people are hurt by police, we look for reasons to blame the victim. In the fatal shooting of Philando Castillo, subconsciousy we questioned, "Why did he reach for his wallet?" Why was he carrying a weapon? Even though it was his constitutional right, in an open carry state. We have been brainwashed to blame ourselves when we haven't done anything wrong, as a means of protection.
Colorism
Colorism can be defined as the prejudicial or preferential treatment of people of the same race based on their complexion or color. We are well aware that this practice stemmed from racism. Lighter skinned people have been given more privilege than darker skinned people. We have become so accustom to this reality that we participate in it. We compliment darkskin girls by telling them "you're pretty for a darkskin girl." As if dark skin girls are not expected to be pretty. We have some people who refuse to date dark skin people, in order to ensure their children aren't born with dark skin. We judge and discrimate against ourselves based on complexion.
It wasn't until my late teens and early twenties that I became self aware of my beauty and acknowledged the contributing factors, discussed above, that led to my self loathing. I finally realized that I had allowed other people to dictate how I felt about myself. I always knew that I saw beauty when I looked in the mirror, but I was discouraged because I thought no one else could see it. I also realized that some people will always follow the status quo and they only see my beauty through the eyes of society. Now that natural hair is popular, I get so many compliments on my hair. I had people who discouraged me from going natural, now asking me for advice to transition to natural hair. Those are the people who see me through the eyes of society. The ones who will give you compliments when your features are trending. Once Kylie Jenner got Botox, everyone wanted fuller lips. They even created devices that cut the circulation to your lips, to temporarily make them plump. Some of those people were the same ones who was teasing people about their big lips.
For centuries, its been indoctrinated in black people that we are less than we are. The biggest problem of all is that it is partially our fault. We have accepted and conformed to society's standard of beauty. Most of us are aware of the lies we have been fed through out history, but we still choose to indulge in it. We make fun of people who don't fit into those european standards of beauty. We tease people about their black features, and then get mad at them for changing it. For example, Lil kim clearly hated her black features. She changed her nose, has lighter skin and smaller lips. Kim didn't change her image for no reason. She did that because she's learned that her features were unattractive.Unfortunately black people solidify those beliefs. Plenty of times, I wished that I could change my physical appearance. I am grateful that I learned to love myself.
Furthermore, we have black people that hate themselves so much that they refuse to date in their own race. I have nothing against interracial couples. However, I am against black man who will tell you the only reason they date white women, is because they don't like black woman. These black men refuse to date black women, for reasons that have been taught to them. They have been taught that black women are loud and ghetto. They have been taught that black women are unattractive. That we have an "angry black women complex" and we are too independent. Ironically, they turn around and date women of other ethnicities who have the same qualities and name it something else. If a black man dates a white women who has an "attitude, they call it spunky. A Latino women with an attitude is Feisty. But, Black women don't get a cute little names. They're just called angry. We have to mitigate ALL of these false beliefs.
The way to ending this cycle of hatred, is to teach your children to love them selves. Teach them that what the media shows on television is not the epitome of beauty. Every morning I have my son say a morning manta: I am Black, I am Smart, I am handsome, and no one can stop me from being focused. I am trying to indoctrinate in him, all the things I second guessed about myself. Black people across the diaspora need to realize that we are beautiful, in all of our complexions. We need to reject what has been taught to us. Most of all, we need to realize that so many people want to be us. That's why they mimic our style, appropriate our culture, discriminate against us, kill us and encourage us to kill our selves. Its' because We are Beauty, We are Strength, We are Perseverance.
Thank your for reading. Comment your thoughts. As always you can email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com if you would like to contact me.
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Ciara, Russell Wilson..... and Future
Over the past year Ciara, Russell Wilson, and Future have been the topic of conversation. This conversation has revealed many issues within the community. As always, I will give you the details about the situation, so you can fully understand my blog.
In the beginning of 2013, Future and Ciara began dating, or decided to reveal to the world that they have been dating. Either way we learned about their relationship in January of 2013. The relationship appeared to be going well. In October of 2013, Future decides he wants to spend his life with Ciara and proposes. In January of 2014, Ciara reveals that she is pregnant with baby Future. Unfortunately, the relationship started to take a turn for the worse. Three months after Ciara gives birth to Baby Future, she finds out that Future has been cheating on her with a stylist named Tyrina Lee. Ciara breaks off the engagement with Future and moves on with her life. In January 2015, she releases one of my favorite singles "I Bet", which is said to have been about Future. The lyrics point to a lot of similarities in their relationship.
Shortly after the break-up, Ciara began dating Russell Wilson in March 2015. Immediately after, it seemed that Future was bothered that Ciara was moving on. Although, he stated that he wanted Ciara to be happy, he made it clear that he did not want Russell involved with caring for his son. He also went on to state that Ciara was using the baby to gain publicity. I believe that Future was using his son in an attempt to control Ciara's new relationship. Future continued to speak out about his feeling for Ciara, or against her, rather. Ciara, in response, filed a defamation lawsuit. This resulted in Future inciting a custody battle. None of this deterred Russell, from pursuing a relationship with Ciara and eventually proposing to her. In the end, Both Ciara and Future dropped their defamation lawsuits. Additionally, no one received full custody of baby future. They share joint custody, although Baby Future spends most of the time with mom.
Of course social media, shared their opinions about this situation. Many people placed the blame on Ciara. They defended Future, and agreed that Ciara moved on too quickly. People negated the fact that Future cheated on Ciara. They also agreed that Russell was too involved in Baby Future's life. Many Fathers stated that Russell was over stepping boundaries, and Ciara was a culprit for allowing him to do it. This relationship of turmoil has revealed detrimental issues with in the community and society. It has revealed the double standards that women face, it shows how men seek to control the lives of women, and it shows extreme hypocrisy of men.
Double Standards
Unfortunately, I have discussed this many times before. In society, women are still not allowed to do things that men do. Aside from Future, social media labeled Ciara a hoe as soon as she started dating Russell Wilson. Men and women were criticizing her choice to begin dating again, so soon. For some reason, there was a predetermined time standard she was suppose to adhere by, before she could date again. Why? To protect Future's feelings? If the roles were reversed, and Future popped up with a girlfriend in the same amount of time, would he have been criticized? The answer is no. I'm sure Future went on to start seeing other women, he just did it out of public sight. However, Future would not have been looked at any differently. Furthermore, Ciara and Russell abstained from sex until they were married. Yet, she was still labeled a hoe. In order for social media to prove that Ciara was a hoe, they began to bring up the fact she dated Shad Moss, Fifty Cent, and other celebrities. At this time, Ciara is 30 years old. A women is suppose to date in her twenties until shes finds the guy who is meant for her. Yet, social media determined that Ciara has dated too many guys and should be considered a hoe.
In contrast, Future has dated multiple women AND has multiple baby mothers, but he is not considered a hoe. Future's rap sheet proves that he is not reliable and not a great man in terms of relationships. In total, Future has 4 baby mothers. FOUR. He did not marry any of them. Future should have been the one receiving the harsh criticism, instead Ciara received the backlash. This is typical within the black community. Women are expected to stay in toxic relationships and be a "ride or die", instead of moving on and being happy. There are women who are willing to stay in unhealthy relationships because they don't want to be labeled a hoe and/or don't want to be labeled a bad mother. Men utilize these tactics to prevent women from moving on.
In contrast, Future has dated multiple women AND has multiple baby mothers, but he is not considered a hoe. Future's rap sheet proves that he is not reliable and not a great man in terms of relationships. In total, Future has 4 baby mothers. FOUR. He did not marry any of them. Future should have been the one receiving the harsh criticism, instead Ciara received the backlash. This is typical within the black community. Women are expected to stay in toxic relationships and be a "ride or die", instead of moving on and being happy. There are women who are willing to stay in unhealthy relationships because they don't want to be labeled a hoe and/or don't want to be labeled a bad mother. Men utilize these tactics to prevent women from moving on.
Control
Men like control. Some men don't want to be with you, but don't want to see you happy with any one else. They will use a women until she finally says enough. Then try to get their act together, when it is too late. As long as she accepts his bullshit, he will continue to dish it to her. He will then blame her for accepting it, instead of taking responsibility. If you have read my blog titled, "If you've been treated like shit, Its because you allowed it," you will know that I partial agree. I think that a women should know not to accept bullshit and know their worth. However, I don't believe that a man should think it's okay to mistreat a women and then try to prevent her from moving on. For example, Ciara broke up with Future after finding out he was cheating. He tried to use his son, to prevent her from moving on. He stated clearly that he did not want Russell around his son. Like it has been stated hundreds of times, if you don't want another man around your child, marry their mother.
Unfortunately, in society black mothers are expected to remain SINGLE, which is where the coined phrase single mother comes from. Single mothers are not expected to date. They are suppose to put their children first and wait until they are a certain age to date again. It is frowned upon when a single mother does not give ALL of her time to her child. As mother, it is expected that you give away your individuality. On the other hand, the child's Father is allowed to go out, date, and do anything they want. A man will point out that his child's mother is going out too much, but will forget that she still spends more time with the child than he does. I'm here to tell women, it is okay to date, it is okay to do things for your self, it is okay to do things that make you happy. I'm not saying bring every man around your children. I'm not telling you to bring men around your children at all. I am saying it is okay to date, you do not have to wait until your children are grown to be happy. You may miss out on a great person, limiting your self. A man that says he doesn't want his child's mother to move on because the child could possibly be around another man is a hypocrite. Especially, since he isn't going to limit his dating life, either.
Hypocrisy
Future and his supporters are the biggest hypocrites. Future was pretending to be "concerned" about Russell being around his son. He stated he didn't want Russell pushing baby Future in a stroller, or going to all his games, and taking pictures. HOWEVER, Future had Ciara doing that with his kids. I don't understand how it was okay for Ciara to be around ALL of Future's kids, playing step mom, but now it is unacceptable for Russell to be a step father to his son? How Sway? Don't believe? Here's the picture proof.
Some people will claim that it's different, but I don't see how that's possible. When Future and Ciara first began dating, during an interview Future admitted that Ciara was good with his kids and their mothers. However, now that he is on the other side of the fence, he's making it out to be an issue. One of Future's other baby mother's sued him because she felt like he was giving more time, attention, and money to Baby future. The baby mother stated that he only gets his child 7 days a month, and for the most part the baby is with Future's Mother. This illustrates, that Future was more concerned with Ciara, then his son. Future and his supporters need to get out of their feelings. Russell is doing great with baby Future, as he should.
Unfortunately, in society black mothers are expected to remain SINGLE, which is where the coined phrase single mother comes from. Single mothers are not expected to date. They are suppose to put their children first and wait until they are a certain age to date again. It is frowned upon when a single mother does not give ALL of her time to her child. As mother, it is expected that you give away your individuality. On the other hand, the child's Father is allowed to go out, date, and do anything they want. A man will point out that his child's mother is going out too much, but will forget that she still spends more time with the child than he does. I'm here to tell women, it is okay to date, it is okay to do things for your self, it is okay to do things that make you happy. I'm not saying bring every man around your children. I'm not telling you to bring men around your children at all. I am saying it is okay to date, you do not have to wait until your children are grown to be happy. You may miss out on a great person, limiting your self. A man that says he doesn't want his child's mother to move on because the child could possibly be around another man is a hypocrite. Especially, since he isn't going to limit his dating life, either.
Hypocrisy
Future and his supporters are the biggest hypocrites. Future was pretending to be "concerned" about Russell being around his son. He stated he didn't want Russell pushing baby Future in a stroller, or going to all his games, and taking pictures. HOWEVER, Future had Ciara doing that with his kids. I don't understand how it was okay for Ciara to be around ALL of Future's kids, playing step mom, but now it is unacceptable for Russell to be a step father to his son? How Sway? Don't believe? Here's the picture proof.
Some people will claim that it's different, but I don't see how that's possible. When Future and Ciara first began dating, during an interview Future admitted that Ciara was good with his kids and their mothers. However, now that he is on the other side of the fence, he's making it out to be an issue. One of Future's other baby mother's sued him because she felt like he was giving more time, attention, and money to Baby future. The baby mother stated that he only gets his child 7 days a month, and for the most part the baby is with Future's Mother. This illustrates, that Future was more concerned with Ciara, then his son. Future and his supporters need to get out of their feelings. Russell is doing great with baby Future, as he should.
My Experience
I am currently in a similar situation as Ciara. My son's father and I broke up when my son was 1 years old. For years, I was skeptical about my boyfriend stepping up in to the parental role. Aside from not wanting to trust anyone with that crucial role in my son's life, I was apprehensive about how my son's father would feel about it. However, now that he is not involved as much as he is supposed to, I am grateful that I am in a relationship with a man who is willing to step up and be a role model for my son. It takes a village to raise a child, and we need to take heed to that. If my son's father had a girlfriend that he wanted to spend his life with, who would be a step mother to my son, my only request would be that she treats my son good.
There are 2 things that both parents SHOULD want from a step parent:
Treat my child as your own
A step parent should treat the child as their own. This is imperative, because once you have children together, you don't want your child to feel like an outcast. All the children need to feel the same love and affection. If Ciara would have dated a man who pays Baby Future no mind, people would have asked how Ciara can marry a man who doesn't want to get to know her child. A great example is Jackie from basketball wives. Her daughter has publicly admitted that she felt like an outcast because she is not Doug's daughter. That's a terrible feeling, to feel like you don't belong to your own family and i'll be damned if I be with someone who makes my child feel like he's different from our other kids.
Respect my parental style
Everyone has a set goal in mind when raising their children. Parents don't want their children exposed to certain things, or listening to certain music, or playing video games that are not suitable for children. If this is the case, the step parent should adhere to those standards. However, there have been cases where I have been against something, and my man would help me see it from a different perspective.
In conclusion, single mothers CAN move on from their Baby Fathers and start to date again. They shouldn't feel guilty about moving on and finding a guy who is willing to treat your child like their own. Step parents don't hinder the relationship between a child and the real parent. If you're a great parent, your child will KNOW that. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Lastly, women shouldn't be labeled as hoes for having the courage to pick up the pieces of our heart and giving love another try. We shouldn't limit our selves because society has taught us that single mothers have to remain single to be good mothers. Keep your individuality. You were yourself, before you were a mother. Always remember that.
There are 2 things that both parents SHOULD want from a step parent:
Treat my child as your own
A step parent should treat the child as their own. This is imperative, because once you have children together, you don't want your child to feel like an outcast. All the children need to feel the same love and affection. If Ciara would have dated a man who pays Baby Future no mind, people would have asked how Ciara can marry a man who doesn't want to get to know her child. A great example is Jackie from basketball wives. Her daughter has publicly admitted that she felt like an outcast because she is not Doug's daughter. That's a terrible feeling, to feel like you don't belong to your own family and i'll be damned if I be with someone who makes my child feel like he's different from our other kids.
Respect my parental style
Everyone has a set goal in mind when raising their children. Parents don't want their children exposed to certain things, or listening to certain music, or playing video games that are not suitable for children. If this is the case, the step parent should adhere to those standards. However, there have been cases where I have been against something, and my man would help me see it from a different perspective.
In conclusion, single mothers CAN move on from their Baby Fathers and start to date again. They shouldn't feel guilty about moving on and finding a guy who is willing to treat your child like their own. Step parents don't hinder the relationship between a child and the real parent. If you're a great parent, your child will KNOW that. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Lastly, women shouldn't be labeled as hoes for having the courage to pick up the pieces of our heart and giving love another try. We shouldn't limit our selves because society has taught us that single mothers have to remain single to be good mothers. Keep your individuality. You were yourself, before you were a mother. Always remember that.
Thank you for reading!!! Comment and/or email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com.
Sunday, October 29, 2017
Kenneka Jenkins
In early October, social media was set on fire by the events that led to the death of Kenneka Jenkins. I won't go in to extreme details about the case, because the majority of this post is going to talk about prevention, however I will give some of the details. Jenkins was attending a party at the Crowne Plaza hotel with her friends. She drove her mother's car, with 3 friends as passengers. Allegedly, after the party was done, the 4 friends went in to the hall to get the elevator. However, once in the hallway Jenkins realizes she left her phone and other items in the room. All three friends went back in the room to search for her items, and left her in the hallway. Once they gathered her items, they returned to the elevator and noticed Jenkins was gone. About an hour after Jenkin's disappearance, her friends take her mothers car, drives it to her mother's house to alert her that her daughter is missing. Her mother calls the police station to report her daughter missing, while at the hotel. The police go to the hotel to conduct an investigation, and review cameras. Eventually, a hotel worker finds Jenkins in the freezer. This ambiguous set of an events, inspired social media to watch videos from the party, which were posted by her friends, and develop their own analysis of what had occurred. Many people came up with very logical explanations of possibilities. Although, local authorities ruled her death an accident.
While many people were trying to solve the case, I was thinking about ways this could have been prevented. What advice can we give to this generation of adolescents and young adults about ensuring the safety of their friends when going out to parties?
In my youth, we could not come home if everyone was not accounted for. My family and my friends' family taught us to stick together and make sure we all returned home together. We were taught to always hold our drinks and do not set them down, to prevent anyone from putting any drugs in them. We went to the bathroom together, we went outside to get air together, and we knew where the other person was, at all times. If we were somehow separated, we set a place to meet up.
Aside from what our families taught us, I have a close friend who could be labeled a "cock blocker." When we were younger it use to upset us, but looking back she may have saved us from potentially dangerous situations. There were times where we wanted to go to after parties, with guys that we met at the party, and she would decline the invite for all of us. She would say "we don't know them, so we're going home." She always came off as having an attitude, which would deter the guys from pursing anything further. It may have been annoying, but it CERTIFIED that we all made it home.
After, reading and researching as many details as possible about the Jenkins tragedy, and wondering how it could have happened. I thought about steps that would have prevented this incident from transpiring.
Here are three steps I believe may help prevent a situation like this from occurring:
1. Always use the buddy system
This is the most essential step. If Jenkins and her friends would have used this system, she would still be alive today. Especially, since she was allegedly left in the hallway by herself while her friends looked for her things. I put allegedly because it seems highly suspicious that all 3 of her friends went back inside to look for Jenkins' belongings, while Jenkins stayed in the hallway. Why didn't Jenkins go back in the room to look for her belongings, instead of ALL 3 of her friends. If she seemed too drunk to walk back to the room, why would she be left alone drunk. Based on her appearance on the security footage, she looked very unbalanced. Her friends had to notice that she was severely discombobulated. This makes it extremely unbelievable, that they just left her alone in the hallway, in this state. Anyway, I digress. If they would have used the buddy system, someone would have remained with Jenkins in the hallway, and she would still be alive. Anytime, you are separating from the main event, your buddy comes with you, which includes the bathroom.
2. Leave with who you came with
This goes hand and hand with step one. You leave the event with who you came with. Sometimes, a friend may want to leave with a guy they met at the party, but they shouldn't. Take the guys information, and schedule a meet up another time. This ensures that everyone returns home safely. It was very concerning that Jenkins' friends returned to her mother's house, in her mother's car, with all of her belongings. Jenkins didn't have her phone to call for help, didn't have her keys to go home, probably did not have cash (or her purse) to get a a cab. There is no way that my friend could return to my mother's house with out me, in her car. My friend would have called my mom from the hotel, while searching for me. My friends would have turnt up in that hotel until they found me. They would have went into restricted areas, spoke to the manager, and had the police there within the first hour of my disappearance. Most importantly, we would not have gotten separated.
3. If your friend is drunk, take her home.
Clearly, Jenkins was intoxicated. It didn't just happen when she started stumbling around the hotel. Her friends knew she was very drunk and they should have opted to take her home. If you know your friend is too inebriated, take her home. This also would have prevented Jenkins death. There are plenty of nights, I had to cut my night short because a friend was too drunk. There have also been nights where I had my boyfriend come pick my friend up and take them home for me, if I absolutely could not leave an event.
Bonus Step - Gather information
I have to add this step, because honestly there will be times when step 2 will fail. If your friend insist on leaving with a guy or separating from the group, gather crucial information. Ensure that you get the name of the person she leaves with or is going to see, get the make and model of the car, license plates, and the address of where she is going. There are times when I am not even with my friend and she will randomly text me an address. I know that means she's at this address, and if I don't hear from her after a certain time, there could be something wrong. We need to learn our friends. You should know your friends mannerisms and characteristics. This helps to keep them safe.
These steps, in my opinion, can help to prevent a situation like this from occurring in another group of friends. It can also help prevent sexual assault and rape. Again, I don't know all the details about the case, only what I have researched. The friends could have lied about how Jenkins separated from the group. She may have been drugged, and there could be other details that the friends did not share. Hopefully, the truth will come to light. My condolences goes out to the Jenkins family.
If you have any other steps that you believe should be included, leave them in the comments below. If you would like to give me ideas of other topics to touch on, email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com.
While many people were trying to solve the case, I was thinking about ways this could have been prevented. What advice can we give to this generation of adolescents and young adults about ensuring the safety of their friends when going out to parties?
In my youth, we could not come home if everyone was not accounted for. My family and my friends' family taught us to stick together and make sure we all returned home together. We were taught to always hold our drinks and do not set them down, to prevent anyone from putting any drugs in them. We went to the bathroom together, we went outside to get air together, and we knew where the other person was, at all times. If we were somehow separated, we set a place to meet up.
Aside from what our families taught us, I have a close friend who could be labeled a "cock blocker." When we were younger it use to upset us, but looking back she may have saved us from potentially dangerous situations. There were times where we wanted to go to after parties, with guys that we met at the party, and she would decline the invite for all of us. She would say "we don't know them, so we're going home." She always came off as having an attitude, which would deter the guys from pursing anything further. It may have been annoying, but it CERTIFIED that we all made it home.
After, reading and researching as many details as possible about the Jenkins tragedy, and wondering how it could have happened. I thought about steps that would have prevented this incident from transpiring.
Here are three steps I believe may help prevent a situation like this from occurring:
1. Always use the buddy system
This is the most essential step. If Jenkins and her friends would have used this system, she would still be alive today. Especially, since she was allegedly left in the hallway by herself while her friends looked for her things. I put allegedly because it seems highly suspicious that all 3 of her friends went back inside to look for Jenkins' belongings, while Jenkins stayed in the hallway. Why didn't Jenkins go back in the room to look for her belongings, instead of ALL 3 of her friends. If she seemed too drunk to walk back to the room, why would she be left alone drunk. Based on her appearance on the security footage, she looked very unbalanced. Her friends had to notice that she was severely discombobulated. This makes it extremely unbelievable, that they just left her alone in the hallway, in this state. Anyway, I digress. If they would have used the buddy system, someone would have remained with Jenkins in the hallway, and she would still be alive. Anytime, you are separating from the main event, your buddy comes with you, which includes the bathroom.
2. Leave with who you came with
This goes hand and hand with step one. You leave the event with who you came with. Sometimes, a friend may want to leave with a guy they met at the party, but they shouldn't. Take the guys information, and schedule a meet up another time. This ensures that everyone returns home safely. It was very concerning that Jenkins' friends returned to her mother's house, in her mother's car, with all of her belongings. Jenkins didn't have her phone to call for help, didn't have her keys to go home, probably did not have cash (or her purse) to get a a cab. There is no way that my friend could return to my mother's house with out me, in her car. My friend would have called my mom from the hotel, while searching for me. My friends would have turnt up in that hotel until they found me. They would have went into restricted areas, spoke to the manager, and had the police there within the first hour of my disappearance. Most importantly, we would not have gotten separated.
3. If your friend is drunk, take her home.
Clearly, Jenkins was intoxicated. It didn't just happen when she started stumbling around the hotel. Her friends knew she was very drunk and they should have opted to take her home. If you know your friend is too inebriated, take her home. This also would have prevented Jenkins death. There are plenty of nights, I had to cut my night short because a friend was too drunk. There have also been nights where I had my boyfriend come pick my friend up and take them home for me, if I absolutely could not leave an event.
Bonus Step - Gather information
I have to add this step, because honestly there will be times when step 2 will fail. If your friend insist on leaving with a guy or separating from the group, gather crucial information. Ensure that you get the name of the person she leaves with or is going to see, get the make and model of the car, license plates, and the address of where she is going. There are times when I am not even with my friend and she will randomly text me an address. I know that means she's at this address, and if I don't hear from her after a certain time, there could be something wrong. We need to learn our friends. You should know your friends mannerisms and characteristics. This helps to keep them safe.
These steps, in my opinion, can help to prevent a situation like this from occurring in another group of friends. It can also help prevent sexual assault and rape. Again, I don't know all the details about the case, only what I have researched. The friends could have lied about how Jenkins separated from the group. She may have been drugged, and there could be other details that the friends did not share. Hopefully, the truth will come to light. My condolences goes out to the Jenkins family.
If you have any other steps that you believe should be included, leave them in the comments below. If you would like to give me ideas of other topics to touch on, email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com.
Sunday, October 22, 2017
Do What You Love!
I have continuously learned that you have to do what you love to be happy. I have made great strides to complete my education, to work hard to be successful, and I still feel unfulfilled. When I completed my bachelor's degree, I thought I would be happy but I still felt incomplete. Especially, since after graduation I hit rock bottom. I didn't have a career that I believed would be thrown to me, I didn't even have a job. Prior to graduating, I was working a paid internship at MTA - NYC Transit. However, once I graduated I could no longer continue the internship. After graduation, I was confused and frustrated. I had finally completed my education and I was unemployed. I was applying to hundreds of entry level jobs, and somehow I did not qualify. The entry level jobs, either wanted more experience or more education. There were days that I felt depressed. I found my self asking, "How could I have done everything right, and I am still struggling?" There I was, with a bachelor's degree, living in the projects, without a job, surviving on unemployment and public assistance. It was a harsh reality, to work really hard and have nothing to show for it. I continued to apply to jobs, but I was unsuccessful. Eventually, I went to a job center that helped me to obtain a job, I was over qualified and underpaid for, but at that time I couldn't be choosy. I worked there for 6 months, until I found a better job. In that time I decided to go back to school, again. I felt like, if i obtained a Master's degree, it would help me to open doors in the future. I would be able to qualify for the entry level jobs, that claimed you need a master's degree to be eligible. Furthermore, I know people who would have been selected for promotions if they would have had a graduate degree. I never wanted to be in a predicted where not having an education hindered my upward mobility. Although, there are plenty of people who become millionaires without higher education, I have always been a person who wanted to be prepared.
Recently, May 31, 2017, I graduated with a Master's degree. Additionally, I was promoted to Supervisor at my job on March 6, 2017. I received a great raise, great benefits, and for years I have been able to support myself without public assistance (the greatest gift of all). As you can see, a lot has happened this year and the past few years. Even after all of this I still feel unsatisfied and unfulfilled. And I have finally figured out, it's because I am not doing what I love. I LOVE writing, I love being able to share my story, my past, and my failures to teach other people. I had consumed myself with society's version of success and forgot to do what I love. I like my job, I am grateful for the opportunity to move up in the company, which I will continue to strive to do, but I will certainly do what I love, which is writing. Often, I find my self daydreaming of alternative realities that I should be writing about. Great ideas form in my head that I write down, but have yet to complete.
I know that many people, like myself, have to work to be able to support themselves and their families. Doing what you love, may not pay the bills at this time. However, if you develop your craft, and do your own thing, it may. You must first try it or you may find yourself like me. A person who did everything the way you was taught to do it, and have this great sense that there is something else you should be doing. I should have been writing on this blog as often as I could. I should have finished the book I have been working on for years, I should be preforming poetry at open mic events, I should be submitting my writings to magazine entries. All of these things, are things that make me happy and moving forward, I will be placing these things in my schedule. Especially, this blog. It will be updated every Sunday.
Welcome back, Precious Truthz!!!
Hypothetical Facebook Questions
I think I'm obsessed with hypothetical facebook questions. I'm intrigued by some of the perceptions and opinions that I read. It's very interesting.
One of the questions that popped up on my Facebook timeline is "Ladies your 6 months pregnant (to late for an abortion) & you find out that your husband has another woman pregnant who is 5 months, what do u do?"
There were many different responses from the participants. They range from kill him,kill her, burn his things, and other illegal options. I tried to think what would I do?
I don't think I could remain married to a man who not only cheated but had a baby as well. Aside from violating our vows, you put me at risks for STDs and HIV because you had sex unprotected. Which means you wasn't even thinking about my health and livelihood. You could have given your spouse Aids and your baby could have contracted it. How can you stay with someone who doesn't think about at least protecting you from contracting sexual diseases. Secondly, you have to think about will you ever trust him again. Will you trust him not to cheat when he goes to spend time with his child at her house? Now, he's bound to her for life as well. She may be the type of person to like drama and has a vendetta against you because he claimed he would leave you. Since you're married, when she puts him on child support, by law it becomes your responsibility too. I can not stay with someone who violated our vows, then put my life and livelihood at risk.
What would you do?
I don't think I could remain married to a man who not only cheated but had a baby as well. Aside from violating our vows, you put me at risks for STDs and HIV because you had sex unprotected. Which means you wasn't even thinking about my health and livelihood. You could have given your spouse Aids and your baby could have contracted it. How can you stay with someone who doesn't think about at least protecting you from contracting sexual diseases. Secondly, you have to think about will you ever trust him again. Will you trust him not to cheat when he goes to spend time with his child at her house? Now, he's bound to her for life as well. She may be the type of person to like drama and has a vendetta against you because he claimed he would leave you. Since you're married, when she puts him on child support, by law it becomes your responsibility too. I can not stay with someone who violated our vows, then put my life and livelihood at risk.
What would you do?
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