Ciara, Russell Wilson..... and Future

Over the past year Ciara, Russell Wilson, and Future have been the topic of conversation. This conversation has revealed many issues within the community. As always, I will give you the details about the situation, so you can fully understand my blog.

In the beginning of 2013, Future and Ciara began dating, or decided to reveal to the world that they have been dating. Either way we learned about their relationship in January of 2013. The relationship appeared to be going well. In October of 2013, Future decides he wants to spend his life with Ciara and proposes. In January of 2014, Ciara reveals that she is pregnant with baby Future. Unfortunately, the relationship started to take a turn for the worse. Three months after Ciara gives birth to Baby Future, she finds out that Future has been cheating on her with a stylist named Tyrina Lee. Ciara breaks off the engagement with Future and moves on with her life. In January 2015, she releases one of my favorite singles "I Bet", which is said to have been about Future. The lyrics point to a lot of similarities in their relationship. 

Shortly after the break-up, Ciara began dating Russell Wilson in March 2015. Immediately after, it seemed that Future was bothered that Ciara was moving on. Although, he stated that he wanted Ciara to be happy, he made it clear that he did not want Russell involved with caring for his son. He also went on to state that Ciara was using the baby to gain publicity. I believe that Future was using his son in an attempt to control Ciara's new relationship. Future continued to speak out about his feeling for Ciara, or against her, rather. Ciara, in response, filed a defamation lawsuit. This resulted in Future inciting a custody battle. None of this deterred Russell, from pursuing a relationship with Ciara and eventually proposing to her. In the end, Both Ciara and Future dropped their defamation lawsuits. Additionally, no one received full custody of baby future. They share joint custody, although Baby Future spends most of the time with mom. 

Of course social media, shared their opinions about this situation. Many people placed the blame on Ciara. They defended Future, and agreed that Ciara moved on too quickly. People negated the fact that Future cheated on Ciara. They also agreed that Russell was too involved in Baby Future's life. Many Fathers stated that Russell was over stepping boundaries, and Ciara was a culprit for allowing him to do it. This relationship of turmoil has revealed detrimental issues with in the community and society. It has revealed the double standards that women face, it shows how men seek to control the lives of women, and it shows extreme hypocrisy of men.

Double Standards 

Unfortunately, I have discussed this many times before. In society, women are still not allowed to do things that men do. Aside from Future, social media labeled Ciara a hoe as soon as she started dating Russell Wilson. Men and women were criticizing her choice to begin dating again, so soon. For some reason, there was a predetermined time standard she was suppose to adhere by, before she could date again. Why? To protect Future's feelings? If the roles were reversed, and Future popped up with a girlfriend in the same amount of time, would he have been criticized? The answer is no. I'm sure Future went on to start seeing other women, he just did it out of public sight. However, Future would not have been looked at any differently. Furthermore, Ciara and Russell abstained from sex until they were married. Yet, she was still labeled a hoe. In order for social media to prove that Ciara was a hoe, they began to bring up the fact she dated Shad Moss, Fifty Cent, and other celebrities. At this time, Ciara is 30 years old. A women is suppose to date in her twenties until shes finds the guy who is meant for her. Yet, social media determined that Ciara has dated too many guys and should be considered a hoe.

In contrast, Future has dated multiple women AND has multiple baby mothers, but he is not considered a hoe. Future's rap sheet proves that he is not reliable and not a great man in terms of relationships. In total, Future has 4 baby mothers. FOUR. He did not marry any of them. Future should have been the one receiving the harsh criticism, instead Ciara received the backlash. This is typical within the black community. Women are expected to stay in toxic relationships and be a "ride or die", instead of moving on and being happy. There are women who are willing to stay in unhealthy relationships because they don't want to be labeled a hoe and/or don't want to be labeled a bad mother. Men utilize these tactics to prevent women from moving on.

Control

Men like control. Some men don't want to be with you, but don't want to see you happy with any one else. They will use a women until she finally says enough. Then try to get their act together, when it is too late. As long as she accepts his bullshit, he will continue to dish it to her. He will then blame her for accepting it, instead of taking responsibility. If you have read my blog titled, "If you've been treated like shit, Its because you allowed it," you will know that I partial agree. I think that a women should know not to accept bullshit and know their worth. However, I don't believe that a man should think it's okay to mistreat a women and then try to prevent her from moving on. For example, Ciara broke up with Future after finding out he was cheating. He tried to use his son, to prevent her from moving on. He stated clearly that he did not want Russell around his son. Like it has been stated hundreds of times, if you don't want another man around your child, marry their mother.

Unfortunately, in society black mothers are expected to remain SINGLE, which is where the coined phrase single mother comes from. Single mothers are not expected to date. They are suppose to put their children first and wait until they are a certain age to date again. It is frowned upon when a single mother does not give ALL of her time to her child. As mother, it is expected that you give away your individuality. On the other hand, the child's Father is allowed to go out, date, and do anything they want. A man will point out that his child's mother is going out too much, but will forget that she still spends more time with the child than he does. I'm here to tell women, it is okay to date, it is okay to do things for your self, it is okay to do things that make you happy. I'm not saying bring every man around your children. I'm not telling you to bring men around your children at all. I am saying it is okay to date, you do not have to wait until your children are grown to be happy. You may miss out on a great person, limiting your self. A man that says he doesn't want his child's mother to move on because the child could possibly be around another man is a hypocrite. Especially, since he isn't going to limit his dating life, either.

Hypocrisy
Future and his supporters are the biggest hypocrites. Future was pretending to be "concerned" about Russell being around his son. He stated he didn't want Russell pushing baby Future in a stroller, or going to all his games, and taking pictures. HOWEVER, Future had Ciara doing that with his kids. I don't understand how it was okay for Ciara to be around ALL of Future's kids, playing step mom, but now it is unacceptable for Russell to be a step father to his son? How Sway? Don't believe? Here's the picture proof.

Some people will claim that it's different, but I don't see how that's possible. When Future and Ciara first began dating, during an interview Future admitted that Ciara was good with his kids and their mothers. However, now that he is on the other side of the fence, he's making it out to be an issue. One of Future's other baby mother's sued him because she felt like he was giving more time, attention, and money to Baby future. The baby mother stated that he only gets his child 7 days a month, and for the most part the baby is with Future's Mother. This illustrates, that Future was more concerned with Ciara, then his son. Future and his supporters need to get out of their feelings. Russell is doing great with baby Future, as he should.

My Experience

I am currently in a similar situation as Ciara. My son's father and I broke up when my son was 1 years old. For years, I was skeptical about my boyfriend stepping up in to the parental role. Aside from not wanting to trust anyone with that crucial role in my son's life, I was apprehensive about how my son's father would feel about it. However, now that he is not involved as much as he is supposed to, I am grateful that I am in a relationship with a man who is willing to step up and be a role model for my son. It takes a village to raise a child, and we need to take heed to that. If my son's father had a girlfriend that he wanted to spend his life with, who would be a step mother to my son, my only request would be that she treats my son good.

There are 2 things that both parents SHOULD want from a step parent:

Treat my child as your own
A step parent should treat the child as their own. This is imperative, because once you have children together, you don't want your child to feel like an outcast. All the children need to feel the same love and affection. If Ciara would have dated a man who pays Baby Future no mind, people would have asked how Ciara can marry a man who doesn't want to get to know her child. A great example is Jackie from basketball wives. Her daughter has publicly admitted that she felt like an outcast because she is not Doug's daughter. That's a terrible feeling, to feel like you don't belong to your own family and i'll be damned if I be with someone who makes my child feel like he's different from our other kids.

Respect my parental style
Everyone has a set goal in mind when raising their children. Parents don't want their children exposed to certain things, or listening to certain music, or playing video games that are not suitable for children. If this is the case, the step parent should adhere to those standards. However, there have been cases where I have been against something, and my man would help me see it from a different perspective.  


In conclusion, single mothers CAN move on from their Baby Fathers and start to date again. They shouldn't feel guilty about moving on and finding a guy who is willing to treat your child like their own. Step parents don't hinder the relationship between a child and the real parent. If you're a great parent, your child will KNOW that. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Lastly, women shouldn't be labeled as hoes for having the courage to pick up the pieces of our heart and giving love another try. We shouldn't limit our selves because society has taught us that single mothers have to remain single to be good mothers. Keep your individuality. You were yourself, before you were a mother. Always remember that.

 

Thank you for reading!!! Comment and/or email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com.

Kenneka Jenkins

In early October, social media was set on fire by the events that led to the death of Kenneka Jenkins. I won't go in to extreme details about the case, because the majority of this post is going to talk about prevention, however I will give some of the details. Jenkins was attending a party at the Crowne Plaza hotel with her friends. She drove her mother's car, with 3 friends as passengers. Allegedly, after the party was done, the 4 friends went in to the hall to get the elevator. However, once in the hallway Jenkins realizes she left her phone and other items in the room. All three friends went back in the room to search for her items, and left her in the hallway. Once they gathered her items, they returned to the elevator and noticed Jenkins was gone. About an hour after Jenkin's disappearance, her friends take her mothers car, drives it to her mother's house to alert her that her daughter is missing. Her mother calls the police station to report her daughter missing, while at the hotel. The police go to the hotel to conduct an investigation, and review cameras. Eventually, a hotel worker finds Jenkins in the freezer. This ambiguous set of an events, inspired social media to watch videos from the party, which were posted by her friends, and develop their own analysis of what had occurred. Many people came up with very logical explanations of possibilities. Although, local authorities ruled her death an accident.

While many people were trying to solve the case, I was thinking about ways this could have been prevented. What advice can we give to this generation of adolescents and young adults about ensuring the safety of their friends when going out to parties?

In my youth, we could not come home if everyone was not accounted for. My family and my friends' family taught us to stick together and make sure we all returned home together. We were taught to always hold our drinks and do not set them down, to prevent anyone from putting any drugs in them. We went to the bathroom together, we went outside to get air together, and we knew where the other person was, at all times. If we were somehow separated, we set a place to meet up.

Aside from what our families taught us, I have a close friend who could be labeled a "cock blocker." When we were younger it use to upset us, but looking back she may have saved us from potentially dangerous situations. There were times where we wanted to go to after parties, with guys that we met at the party, and she would decline the invite for all of us. She would say "we don't know them, so we're going home." She always came off as having an attitude, which would deter the guys from pursing anything further. It may have been annoying, but it CERTIFIED that we all made it home.

After, reading and researching as many details as possible about the Jenkins tragedy, and wondering how it could have happened. I thought about steps that would have prevented this incident from transpiring.

Here are three steps I believe may help prevent a situation like this from occurring:

1. Always use the buddy system
This is the most essential step. If Jenkins and her friends would have used this system, she would still be alive today. Especially, since she was allegedly left in the hallway by herself while her friends looked for her things. I put allegedly because it seems highly suspicious that all 3 of her friends went back inside to look for Jenkins' belongings, while Jenkins stayed in the hallway. Why didn't Jenkins go back in the room to look for her belongings, instead of ALL 3 of her friends. If she seemed too drunk to walk back to the room, why would she be left alone drunk. Based on her appearance on the security footage, she looked very unbalanced. Her friends had to notice that she was severely discombobulated. This makes it extremely unbelievable, that they just left her alone in the hallway, in this state. Anyway, I digress. If they would have used the buddy system, someone would have remained with Jenkins in the hallway, and she would still be alive. Anytime, you are separating from the main event, your buddy comes with you, which includes the bathroom.

2. Leave with who you came with
This goes hand and hand with step one. You leave the event with who you came with. Sometimes, a friend may want to leave with a guy they met at the party, but they shouldn't. Take the guys information, and schedule a meet up another time. This ensures that everyone returns home safely. It was very concerning that Jenkins' friends returned to her mother's house, in her mother's car, with all of her belongings. Jenkins didn't have her phone to call for help, didn't have her keys to go home, probably did not have cash (or her purse) to get a a cab. There is no way that my friend could return to my mother's house with out me, in her car. My friend would have called my mom from the hotel, while searching for me. My friends would have turnt up in that hotel until they found me. They would have went into restricted areas, spoke to the manager, and had the police there within the first hour of my disappearance. Most importantly, we would not have gotten separated.

3. If your friend is drunk, take her home.
Clearly, Jenkins was intoxicated. It didn't just happen when she started stumbling around the hotel. Her friends knew she was very drunk and they should have opted to take her home. If you know your friend is too inebriated, take her home. This also would have prevented Jenkins death. There are plenty of nights, I had to cut my night short because a friend was too drunk. There have also been nights where I had my boyfriend come pick my friend up and take them home for me, if I absolutely could not leave an event.


Bonus Step - Gather information
I have to add this step, because honestly there will be times when step 2 will fail. If your friend insist on leaving with a guy or separating from the group, gather crucial information. Ensure that you get the name of the person she leaves with or is going to see, get the make and model of the car, license plates, and the address of where she is going. There are times when I am not even with my friend and she will randomly text me an address. I know that means she's at this address, and if I don't hear from her after a certain time, there could be something wrong. We need to learn our friends. You should know your friends mannerisms and characteristics. This helps to keep them safe.

These steps, in my opinion, can help to prevent a situation like this from occurring in another group of friends. It can also help prevent sexual assault and rape. Again, I don't know all the details about the case, only what I have researched. The friends could have lied about how Jenkins separated from the group. She may have been drugged, and there could be other details that the friends did not share. Hopefully, the truth will come to light. My condolences goes out to the Jenkins family.

If you have any other steps that you believe should be included, leave them in the comments below. If you would like to give me ideas of other topics to touch on, email me at PreciousTruthz@gmail.com.

Do What You Love!

I have continuously learned that you have to do what you love to be happy. I have made great strides to complete my education, to work hard to be successful, and I still feel unfulfilled. When I completed my bachelor's degree, I thought I would be happy but I still felt incomplete. Especially, since after graduation I hit rock bottom. I didn't have a career that I believed would be thrown to me, I didn't even have a job. Prior to graduating, I was working a paid internship at  MTA - NYC Transit. However, once I graduated I could no longer continue the internship. After graduation, I was confused and frustrated. I had finally completed my education and I was unemployed. I was applying to hundreds of entry level jobs, and somehow I did not qualify. The entry level jobs, either wanted more experience or more education. There were days that I felt depressed. I found my self asking, "How could I have done everything right, and I am still struggling?" There I was, with a bachelor's degree, living in the projects, without a job, surviving on unemployment and public assistance. It was a harsh reality, to work really hard and have nothing to show for it. I continued to apply to jobs, but I was unsuccessful. Eventually, I went to a job center that helped me to obtain a job, I was over qualified and underpaid for, but at that time I couldn't be choosy. I worked there for 6 months, until I found a better job. In that time I decided to go back to school, again. I felt like, if i obtained a Master's degree, it would help me to open doors in the future. I would be able to qualify for the entry level jobs, that claimed you need a master's degree to be eligible. Furthermore, I know people who would have been selected for promotions if they would have had a graduate degree. I never wanted to be in a predicted where not having an education hindered my upward mobility. Although, there are plenty of people who become millionaires without higher education, I have always been a person who wanted to be prepared.

Recently, May 31, 2017, I graduated with a Master's degree. Additionally, I was promoted to Supervisor at my job on March 6, 2017. I received a great raise, great benefits, and for years I have been able to support myself without public assistance (the greatest gift of all). As you can see, a lot has happened this year and the past few years. Even after all of this I still feel unsatisfied and unfulfilled. And I have finally figured out, it's because I am not doing what I love. I LOVE writing, I love being able to share my story, my past, and my failures to teach other people. I had consumed myself with society's version of success and forgot to do what I love. I like my job, I am grateful for the opportunity to move up in the company, which I will continue to strive to do, but I will certainly do what I love, which is writing. Often, I find my self daydreaming of alternative realities that I should be writing about. Great ideas form in my head that I write down, but have yet to complete.

 I know that many people, like myself, have to work to be able to support themselves and their families. Doing what you love, may not pay the bills at this time. However, if you develop your craft, and do your own thing, it may. You must first try it or you may find yourself like me. A person who did everything the way you was taught to do it, and have this great sense that there is something else you should be doing. I should have been writing on this blog as often as I could. I should have finished the book I have been working on for years, I should be preforming poetry at open mic events, I should be submitting my writings to magazine entries. All of these things, are things that make me happy and moving forward, I will be placing these things in my schedule. Especially, this blog. It will be updated every Sunday.

Welcome back, Precious Truthz!!!

Hypothetical Facebook Questions

I think I'm obsessed with hypothetical facebook questions. I'm intrigued by some of the perceptions and opinions that I read.  It's very interesting. 

One of the questions that popped up on my Facebook timeline is "Ladies your 6 months pregnant (to late for an abortion) & you find out that your husband has another woman pregnant who is 5 months, what do u do?"

There were many different responses from the participants. They range from kill him,kill her, burn his things, and other illegal options. I tried to think what would I do?

I don't think I could remain married to a man who not only cheated but had a baby as well. Aside from violating our vows, you put me at risks for STDs and HIV because you had sex unprotected. Which means you wasn't even thinking about my health and livelihood. You could have given your spouse Aids and your baby could have contracted it. How can you stay with someone who doesn't think about at least protecting you from contracting sexual diseases. Secondly, you have to think about will you ever trust him again. Will you trust him not to cheat when he goes to spend time with his child at her house? Now, he's bound to her for life as well. She may be the type of person to like drama and has a vendetta against you because he claimed he would leave you. Since you're married, when she puts him on child support, by law it becomes your responsibility too. I can not stay with someone who violated our vows, then put my life and livelihood at risk. 

What would you do?

Yes, you should congratulate Teen Moms

Recently there were posts going around that said graduated and pregnant. In response to this, a young lady made a video that stated you SHOULD NOT congratulate a young mother when she graduates high school because she got pregnant. She goes on to explain that she was once a teen mother, which in her opinion gives her the right to express this belief. Her point was that it would have been easier if the girl didn't have the baby. She said "its nothing to be proud of to be pregnant and graduating." I thought that any person should be proud to complete 12 years of schooling.

My response to her video was:

I agree with the MESSAGE she is trying to convey, if her motives is to prevent future teen pregnancy from occurring. HOWEVER, here's why you SHOULD congratulate a teen mom if she graduated. If you know a young mother who, despite having a baby, completed high school she went through twice the struggle to get there. It doesn't matter that she made a mistake, what matters is instead of getting an abortion, she accepted her responsibility and realized that now, more than ever, she needed to obtain her education. Not only for her, but for her child or children. Yes, you should dissuade girls from getting pregnant, but you SHOULD NOT talk down on the girls who are already pregnant or have children. Those are the girls who need the most encouragement because it's too late to talk about the shoulda, woulda, couldas. You can't tell someone I'm not gonna congratulate you for something awesome you did, because the mistake you made in the past. You congratulate them because in-spite of that mistake, they moved forward and completed a goal. It doesn't make sense to say to someone, "I'm not going to say congratulations for graduating because you got pregnant." Does that mean you won't say congrats when they graduate college either? What about when they obtain their masters degree? When is it ok, then, to congratulate a teen mom for any of her accomplishments there after?

If you agree or disagree let me know!

Late night thinking

Can't sleep. Up thinking. Thinking about unfulfilled goals, unsuccessful love quest, underestimated consequences, and I can't help but think, that even though I may not have directly caused the outcome, many times I willing accepted it. Until I'm completely comfortable in my own skin and comfortable in my situation, I can not open my self up to people and possibilities. 

Why is it?

I have a question, that I'm pretty certain, people will continuously come up with many analogies for, that may or may not make sense, but I'm going to ask anyway.

Why is it that a person, Man or Woman, has to LOSE a person to fully understand how much that person meant to them? As soon as a person gets left with in days, or even hours, suddenly realization strikes how much they took for granted the person who adored and loved them. I don't understand why people cant appreciate and see how much a person loves them by the things they do daily.

Why is it that people don't understand all the good things their spouse brings to the table until they stop bringing it?